Curl Up and Die-t !

Nowadays most people are talking about working out and what type of diet they are on. I propose the Taha Diet, patented my me, which promises to make you fat when you don't want it to. Basic nutritional sources would include chocolates, Ice cream and fried food. After all you cant get enough of these things. However I would love to research my competitors who somehow want to make people thin. What really surprises me is the amount of models that swear by these diets, most of them who look like they eat one carrot stick a week. These are the people who should take on the Taha Diet. A sure way to get you in shape, considering that round is a shape.

Atkins, General Motor, South Beach are just some of the diets that are available to the public. Other diets include - diet coke, diet pepsi, diet chips and dye-it which is a dyeing product. The whole revolution was started by Atkins and snowballed into one small piece of chicken. The only diet I really agree with is the subway diet where you eat subway sandwiches to lose weight. " That would be two meatball subs with cheese and 4 cookies, 2 packets of chips and a diet coke - you see I'm on a diet."

However I have to get into eating the right proportions, which would also mean altering my vocabulary -I'm so hungry,  I could eat a horse would now change to I'm so hungry that I could eat a pony.

These diets that are mentioned above could also be used as torture techniques ...  only one chip of lays, no more. Of course after all no one can eat just one ( I want money for advertising your brand) and they would go into mad fits craving for the second piece , they would not receive the second piece cause potatoes are filled with carbohydrates.

Another diet which people are using is what I call the rabbit food diet. I'm against this for 2 reasons - first all you eat is pretty much rabbit food, when I last read what rabbits ate was raw vegetables, nuts and their own poop. Something I am not willing to eat. Secondly this diet is made for rabbits and we all know how rabbits multiply. We are already have a population crisis, we dont need more people coming and eating all the vegetables. Hey maybe its not that bad , it leaves the meat for me .. eat little rabbits eat !!!

So right now I am contemplating which diet would be a major competitor to the Taha Diet , lets say none of them come close but I am writing this blog from inside Atkins headquarters where they gave me my last piece of lays, all I need to do to free my self is curl up and die-t.

(All comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Self Help . . .

I love the words self and help, because I love myself and I love help, especially of the monetary kind. But bring them together and I will run away like you have the plague. This is excepting of course, when those words are printed on a card in front of a buffet line.

Self - Help books are something I don't believe in, but obviously they sell like hot potatoes.They are very much like hot potatoes, since once a person buys it, they realize that it is of absolutely no use. So they throw it into the waiting hands of the next person, who does the same and this chain will go on forever. The book will encompass the earth and then land up into your hands when you are old and then you realize, hey I haven't read this book, and then do the same thing over, therefore making your children live through the pain of receiving the self help book after you are no more.

Also I don't need self help books to tell me how to lead my life, for that I have other people who work free of cost for me : my parents. 7 habits of highly effective teens- the whole idea of being a teen is being a rebel so read that book and don't follow any of it, that's what a true blue teen would do.

I was thinking of writing a self help book for all those people who actually don't like them titled 'I hate self help books,' this will be promptly followed by my next book called 'I hate my previous book.'

Admittedly self help books are flying of the shelves (and all over the world as we speak), but don't you think that self help has become a little too much these days. Here are the names of a few books that I recently found at my local bookstore.

1) You can DOO it : A self help guide to cleaning up after your dog : Collie Sheppard
2) Suicide for dummies : An incomplete self help book with marvelous motivation techniques to kill yourself by Shooter Headley. Unfortunately the author couldn't finish the book because it was too useful for him. I wonder why he did it though? maybe because he was writing a self help book?
3) Tapping your potential : 5 simple steps to close your tap by Joe Plumber.

I mean they come up with self help books for everything. Maybe next year they will come out with a self help book on how to breathe. Wait that's a Yoga book. Hey, actually that self help book may not be such a bad idea, I surely need it, I cant breathe in Mumbai due to all its pollution.

(All comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. Especially the suicide bit, Nothing is worth taking your own life for)

Shortcut to "Happyness"

(Please note that the following blog is meant for adults who are mature people, not immature people who think Twilight is the greatest thing since sliced bread.)

I recently saw a movie called Shortcut to Happiness, where the protagonist sells his soul to the Devil in order to make him a successful writer. Notice how I mention "successful" and not good. Gone are the days when an author could write three whole pages about the knights armour, nowadays all we can look forward to are lines like "Do I dazzle you?"

One such person who seems to have sold their soul to the Devil is Stephenie Meyer. I'm not saying she isn't successful, but her writing is probably as good as a blind person trying to compete in Formula 1.

Why the sudden hatred for the "twilight" series. At a website about famous quotes people actually put up a quote by Edward Cullen. Now I have major problems with this. Apparently Edward Cullen is now so famous that he outranks Abraham Lincoln in famous people to take quotes from. (Abe Lincoln's quote was on the second page)

Most people I know are on Team Edward or Team Jake. I am on Team -I'm so glad I can read words more than 8 letters. Everyone knew I was against the twilight franchise when it first became a craze in India. I must say I might be biased not having read the entire book or seen the movies but the mere fact that it changes what Vampires can die by, astounds me. Apparently Vampires dazzle in sunlight, not burn away to embers. Give me Blade anyday.

I think Stephenie Meyer has been stalking Karan Johar as well as Woody Allen. Again the question "Why" comes to most peoples brains. The reason for this is that she has taken a typical Bollywood film script and added Woody Allens life to it to make the end more interesting. Boy meets girl, Boy falls in love with girl, Girl falls in love with Boy, Second Boy falls in love with Girl, both boys team up against evil, second boy doesn't get girl. This is where it gets Woody Allen'ish' Second Boy falls for daughter of first boy and girl. ( Woody Allen married his adopted daughter) And just so that this becomes a little less obvious that she was stalking them, she adds vampires and werewolves. I mean no disrespect for Karan Johar or Woody Allen by relating them to Stephenie Meyer because some of their works are really works of art and should never be dissed like this current blog.

And although I will admit that Stephenie Meyer may have worked hard and earned her dues it does not take away from the fact that it was a horrible piece of literature with tons of grammatical errors. (This is taken on word from a friend who actually read twilight). This book had mass appeal for all those people who actually don't read literature or books at all, and to make it worse for the people who could not even read the books because it was too tedious they came out with Movies to make it more accessible and therefore infinitely more irritating.

Another fact that she changed about Vampires was that apparently they are dead. ( I read this on a site...see I do some research before criticizing)Essentially it means that Edward Cullen does not have a heart beat, no heart Beat means no blood flow, no blood flow means no arousal, no arousal means no chance in hell to procreate, no procreation means no children, no children means that Jacob will have to go and find some other persons daughter to fall in love with. Not only does she change the set down rules relating to vampires as laid down in Dracula, she also decides that she can alter the rules of biology (Vampires were humans before they got bitten). Just because Vampires can turn in to bats and fly doesn't mean that all parts of his body can 'levitate'.

To deal with this great curse upon mankind I suggest that we start up a rehabilitation centre for treatment of T-Cells. T-Cells are brain cells that are dead because of constant exposure to crappy literature. T-Cells is short for (Twilight Cells). Normally they are removed through brain surgery in which Doctors have to wear sunglasses cause when they operate the T- Cells will start 'dazzling' in the light. However this does not mean to say that the person is a genius and dazzled people with his/her intelligence. It is a risky procedure and because of which most people don't opt for the surgery and wear t-shirts printed with Team - Jacob or Team -Edward on them not realizing that no such sports team exists. However due to old and classical methods a cure has been found by making such people expand their horizons and read literature that actually requires you to use your head such as Alexandre Dumas, Shakespeare and Tennyson to name a few. Thus is the need for a Rehabilitation Centre, also known as a library (sans the twilight series). I am willing to set one up and all donations must be sent to the "Give Taha A Porsche Fund" which is not tax deductible. However I shall promise to use these funds only to buy great literature and not buy a Porsche or alcohol for my band (Read:Canaries through Grinders).

Now I am reaching the twilight of my blog and all I want to say is that I hope Stephenie Meyer is satisfied with all the money she earned from the Twilight Franchise, cause I don't think I can live through another torture like that once more.

(All Comments were meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Canaries through Grinders

Most people don't know this but I play the bass guitar for a fictional band called the Radio Active Ninja Monkeys (RANM's). We even have a group on facebook (which is 15 members large) with our first album cover and songs list on. Well recently we had a not so acrimonious split with our lead singer, which is to say she hasnt called any band member in a month. (This means you Zainab). Also we are still looking for a rhythm guitarists having to use one of our well trained monkeys to play the guitar for the CD. So because we cant have lyrics on our songs, I have found a new avenue in which the RANM's could make our name. It is an area of music no band has ever gone into before and I highly doubt they will, giving us ample space to clog the market. What is this avenue? Elevator Music.

Ever noticed how you have these really irritating songs that make you want to get out of the elevator. These songs are really horrendous and they should increase taxes on companies that subject their employees to the god awful sound that seems like a canary got stuck in a grinder. (na na na na na dum dum *sploosh *sploosh). I believe that people who say that they have claustrophobia and would rather take the stairs are the intelligent ones who know that even those five seconds of torture would make James Bond divulge the Queens biggest secrets. Come to think of it this music should be played in all interrogation rooms, it will be a lot easier to nab burglars murderers and corrupt politicians, sometime even the policeman who has not yet questioned the suspect.

The reason I say elevator music is because it doesnt require any lyrics of any kind and that can be the way we pay for our next Album. (Assassination Guaranteed) [Please join us to create our new albums as fictitious studio costs are very expensive. So if you want to hear more of our band please send money to "Give Taha a Porsche Fund" which is not Tax deductible. However money that is sent may or may not be used to buy alcohol.] Anyway back to elevator music, all we have to do is play a few chords that dont sound as bad as nails grating against a blackboard and we should be in business. We are having the next meeting of the band to look over applications for lead singers as well as Rhythm Guitarists in December, so you have time to send in your applications for this fictitous band. Until then all I will sit and do is strum my guitar and get rich for it.

A little about RadioActive Ninja Monkeys.

First Album - Attack (2007) (Please note that the songs made up on the CD were thought up before the horrible attacks on Mumbai, if you go visit our site.)

Lead Guitarist - Rushabh Shah

Drums - Neti Shah

Bass - Taha Varawala

Keyboard - Amreen Rupawala

Rhythm Guitar- Trained Monkey

Triangle - Pranav Dhawan

Band Manager - Qadir Varawala

* Notice we are the only Rock Band to have a person play the Triangle - ting.

So until we get the money needed to create our new album, you can hear us in your nearest elevator in the next few months. Look out for some soulful jazz guitar and instrumental music, that will not be us.We will be the ones with the Alternative Rock and sometimes metal elevator music. Thinking about it Elevator Music is needed by every company and apartment to stop people from getting bored and doing crazy things in the elevators (like pushing all the buttons.... ooh how evil! ) It tends to get a person to concentrate on the music all the time cursing the person who created it. However our music is way different and would get a different reaction in a person, to go buy a beer and drink it, and if my true message is sent across, they will go buy a beer and send it to the band.

So please go to your bosses and ask them to use our elevator Music, out of which a new CD will be released, you or a band member will get a beer, The Band will get rich and Vijay Mallya will get even richer (why do you think he sponsored our first album. P.S. MOST BAND MEMBERS DRINK ONLY KINGFISHER {thousand bucks in my pocket right there}). Please tell them to change the music so that it doesn't sound like canaries through a grinder.Come to think of it Canaries through Grinders is not a bad name for a band.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)