Total Drama

I have a confession. I regularly watch Hindi soaps. However, I must state that I watch these shows under duress so that I can spend time with my grandparents. Now don't get me wrong, my Grandmom is the most awesome person you will ever meet, only problem is that she likes some sort of simulated drama in her life.

After watching an excruciating amount of soaps I have come up with all the ingredients that would constitute a good soap.

1. Music at all points in the show: Most people do not notice this but at all points in time in a Hindi soap there is background music Either the government has installed loudspeakers all over the country to play soothing and sometimes spectacular music (which somehow always play at the right times) or the soap industry has decided to offer permanent employment to musicians who find jobs hard to get. Lets assume that the soap industry out of the goodness of their hearts has decided to help the Indian Music industry. 
2. Everyone goes to jail once: The most used costume in a Hindi TV show is the Police Officer, either he is entirely oblivious to the situation or drinking his tea at the police station (this does not mean that the Indian police are accurately depicted). Each character in a show needs to be arrested and sent to jail at least once and then plead with the noble police officer to let them go.
3. Laws do not apply: Be it the laws made by man or laws of nature, none of them apply to the protagonists of Hindi soaps. Jumping three floors, without any parkour training,  to nab a robber, without any damage to any bones or ligaments is a feat indeed. Being a lawyer by education what really irks me is someone going to jail for five years and not being disbarred. These are just some of the examples of laws that do not apply to Hindi soaps.
4. They always seem to have money for jewellery: They might be poor, eight people living in a one bedroom apartment but they always seem to have money to buy new jewellery. It seems that they have found a time travel machine because gold prices have not been that low since the 1970's.
5. Every character needs to turn bad at least once: This isn't actually a bad thing, Hindi soaps show that there is no purely good or evil character and everyone has a little evil in them.
6. True loves tears are even more powerful than true loves kisses: Forget true love's kiss (not that they can show kissing on Indian TV), the tears of a loved one can awake a person from a coma and sometimes even death.
7. But the most powerful thing in the world is prayer: Praying is even more powerful than love. Prayer can grant you the strength of hundred men, reincarnate a person in another body (without having to explain what happened to the poor other soul that was in the body earlier) bring someone back from the dead, revive them from a coma when doctors have said that they will be brain dead and induce a terrible number on pan in and pan outs in a space of a minute (please don't get me wrong prayer is good for the soul, but the power of prayer is being exaggerated)
8. Male protagonist and female protagonist get married, separated and then get back together: this does not need any more explaining.
9. Someone suffers from amnesia once in the show: Either from a hit to the head, or drinking something laced with chemicals, one character has to suffer from amnesia at the worse opportune moment, making everyone's lives in the show that much more difficult.

These are just a few things I have noticed that goes into making a hit Hindi soap. Now if only I could get hit in the head or drink something that will make me forget all this. Also , if Ekta Kapoor reads this, I need a job.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously).

Idiosyncratic Idiots

I recently discovered that I have many idiosyncrasies that make me who I am. These idiosyncrasies include two left feet while dancing, the ability to keep a straight face when telling a joke but laughing out loud inside (always) a monotonous voice and the ability to see other idiosyncrasies in people  and copy them while not realizing that I'm scratching my head and and tap dancing at the same time.

I've tried to notice such movements in people around me but apparently I'm oblivious to the real world. So therefore I shall try and talk about more prevalent movements in people that I notice.

I have always wondered why cricket is such a big attraction in India, sometimes its just men chasing a ball, which sounds eerily familiar to football ( the real version and not the american version which should be called handegg).

 India's national sport is hockey, not cricket yet cricket is considered to be a religion and you have many gods like Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and Zaheer Khan and also have the Demons like the entire Australian team. (Right now Evil is winning). So what intrigues me about this is that when I am walking down the road practicing my golf strokes with my imaginary club, I see people performing the bowling action in cricket to no one. Sometimes I wonder how in the sea of people that is Mumbai that they imagine a pitch on a footpath. And sometimes their weird idiosyncrasy illicits response, people actually make batting and fielding motions which leads to major commotions as can be seen by the video.

Another idiosyncrasy that I find funny is the snapping of fingers in front of the mouth while yawning. I have three theories as to why people do this. First is that they feel the entire world is amazingly boring and have not developed the vision to see things in life differently. I call this innate ability of mine "funny vision". For example, I was recently thinking that they should put a goldfishes brain in squirrels.(As everyone knows goldfishes have short term memories.) The reason why they should do this is to help solve global warming. This might not make sense to a person who lacks "funny vision" but to anyone who has this sense, this would seem like an eureka moment. ( Squirrels bury their acorns, nuts and food for winter, if they do not remember where they buried their food, it will lead to millions of trees growing every year) ( this also might results in a tree coming out of your bed room.) I propose that we save a significant proportion of the squirrel population to reproduce the next tree planters.

The second theory is that the people who snap their fingers in front of their mouths is that they are used to the spotlight and use this to grab attention of the room when they do not have any attention on themselves.. How do you think Mussolini got the entire Italian population to back him, some say it was as easy as a snap of his fingers.

My third theory is that the doctors are to blame for this idiotic idiosyncrasy. People snapping their fingers in front of their mouth do this so that on looking at the said yawning person will start yawning themselves and then start a worldwide epidemic of yawning (Yawning is contagious). This might lead to a whole number of cases of peoples jaws getting locked and having to visit the doctor.Thus the doctors started this whole idiosyncrasy of snapping their fingers in front of their mouths.

So in the end, if you do notice any idiosyncratic that is prevalent amongst society let me know and I shall tell you how I overlooked it. Also I have a feeling the Australian Doctors started it; after all they are supposed to be Demons.

(All Comments are meant to be Jokes and should not be taken seriously.)

Blog Disclaimer

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The Pothole Pangs

This is a re hash of my older blog called Potholes Galore - Part 1 and Part 2. Unfortunately due to live.com's  lack of ability to get bloggers or retain them, this blog has vanished into thin air and thus I am happy to be on a stable blog like blogger but also sad that all the hard work of 4 years before starting this blog has now faded into oblivion. I shall try and muster up my brain cells to remember everything that went into the earlier blog and try to re-create them with a bit more of elegance, class and crassness.Also shall try to make them funny.

So coming back to the blog.

I recently had a very bad injury due to a pothole. It injured my wallet. My car had to go for servicing and thus injured me gravely. I decided to go to the head of whoever is responsible for these roads; turns out his car had gotten stuck in one of the potholes and was not coming to work today. While waiting in the room, not knowing that Mr. 'Dig'le was not coming to work I went through newspaper cuttings on the walls of their office. Apparently they were proud of the fact that the city of Poona was applying to Guinness book of world records to become the city with the most potholes in the world. On asking Mr. Digle's secretary why this was put up on the boards hoping that the response would be that they were at least not the worst in the world, he replied that they were trying to create more than Poona so that Mumbai could go into the Guinness Book of World Records. So much so that they have found a chemical to make roads that will wash away with the first rain. If you don't believe me you can read about it here.

This was too much for me to handle and I rushed home, hoping there would be a road by the time I reached there; considering it was raining. On the way I received a mysterious phone call by a person called Mr. 'Khod'ani who wanted to meet me in Lokhandwala to discuss certain things related to potholes. Being the ultra inquisitive journalist that I would love to be, I decided to meet him but at my house because I'm an armchair activist and can't do any activism without my armchair. Turns out that Mr. 'Khod'ani had been to the same office the day before me but did not have the same activist ideas running through my head. Being of a certain community,(which I love for their ingenuity and methods of making money) he had found a way to make money out of the potholes. He was going to hold a competition for potholes and he had already thought of categories. Apparently there shall be a category for largest pothole; to which I immediately mentioned the one in Bandra, but apparently that was not even on their shortlist. another award was for the road with most potholes, potholes to have created the most accidents, potholes to have broken most bones, etc. He wanted me to be the blogger covering the award ceremony , like a live blogger. Obviously I agreed, because this might give some mileage to my blog considering that I have only 5 readers.

I went to the spot that we had agreed to meet the next day and upon entering the judges tent was fitted with a harness across my waist to my astonishment. Apparently Mr. 'Khod'ani had gone into one of the potholes and was lost. I was part of a rescue mission to help find him and get him out of the pothole. After 3 hours, 4 packets of  AA batteries,5 torches and two awkward falls we found Mr. 'Khod'ani to which he exclaimed that this was the second biggest pothole in Mumbai.

Due to the fact that I was underground I had no service on my cell phone. On getting above ground I realized that I had gotten missed calls and a couple of messages from Mr. Digle. Apparently the Guinness Book of World Records were counting the number of potholes in the evening and he invited me on the helicopter ride along with a judge from Guinness. During the helicopter ride I had the urgent need to call Mr. Khodani because I had found the biggest pothole that he desired. However, due to security reasons and the fact that my phone fell from my hand and into the abyss of the metropolitan jungle I could not call Mr. Khodani. The judge from Guinness informed me that he was now on his way to Pune to check their city and would announce the winner during the closing ceremony of Mr. Khodani's function.

The big day arrived; and I got ready to live blog from the event. The show was hosted by prominent contractor Mr.'Khadde' as he was the richest of all of them. The event went without a hitch with the locality of Bhayander winning most of the prizes. But for obvious reasons the most anticipated moment of the ceremony was coming up next. This also happened to be the time when my new and highly expensive smart phone started to ring and I was shushed by the crowd. I cancelled the call and focused on the ceremony. Unfortunately Pune had won the prize of the city with most potholes, but the judge also mentioned what I wanted to tell Mr. Khodani earlier, that Mumbai will still get into the Guinness Book of world records and also what proved to be the biggest pothole in the world... wait for it... (drums rolling)... the city of Mumbai, for being the only city that is within a pothole itself and thus making it the worlds biggest pothole.

After the celebrations (during which I was crying for obvious reasons) I checked the number that gave me a call and called them back. Apparently it was a German Filmmaker who had started reading my live blogs from the ceremony and wanted to meet me. Mr. B'art Shot'tenheimer was a German filmmaker who had grown up in France, made his best films in Japan, lived in Switzerland with a Brazilian wife and an adopted Somalian child. He worked for the Science Channel and was commissioned to make a documentary on the relationship between Mumbai's potholes and the Moon. He cordially invited me to his house and offered me Nutella and bread. ( I want money for advertising Nutella.) He did not speak English very well and sounded like a French person although he was German. "Mizter, I iz looking out of window un day and I saw ze most beeutiful lake outzide. turnz out it waz juzt a pothole with watter. I have received footage of ze moon from ze science channel and am uzing it to compare Mumbaiz roadz to it. It iz very interezting you zee. I called yu hier zo that yu can take me tso those placez of ze potholez." Agreeing on helping out so that I would have my blog and name promoted at the end of thefilm, I took Mr.Shottenheimer around the city. He kept on taking videos and he kept on screaming -"Zis iz fantastik".

After the day ended, I took a rickshaw back home. The potholes on the road gave me major back pain and I heard the pregnant lady in the other rickshaw screaming that she thinks that she might have had a abortion. Potholes- the new way to control the population crisis after 3G videos. The potholes were so many that I am surprised that chiropractors aren't the richest doctors in the city and the fact that I hadn't got a slipped disc yet. However during all the expletives that were going through my head at the moment it suddenly struck me. We do not have anything known as Potholes anymore, on the other hand we have something known as potbumps i.e. the road in between the potholes. (this may seem like an old joke now, but when I first wrote this I had never heard the joke before thus leading me to believe that I was the one that created this joke.The older version of this blog I think was published around 6 years ago.) I immediately called Mr. Digle and it turns out Mr. Khodani was on the other line. I told them of my unique observation but it was dismissed as they were planning to have another prize ceremony for Potholes due to the tremendous support from the workers and financial backing from the contractors. It was such a success that they were planning to have more categories for the awards. Potholes that most looks like a Movie Star. The oldest Pothole on the road, The Potholes with the most nicknames etc. After hearing this I decided that I was better suited sitting in my armchair and being an activist from there, cause my back is killing me.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Hometown Heroes

The Mis-adventures of Bunty-Man - Comic by Taha Varawala

I have been born and brought up in Mumbai {nee Bombay (nee Mumbai)} and I am proud to call it my Hometown. Sure it may  be full of potholes, susceptible to terrorist attacks, overpopulated, filled with traffic jams,corruption due to the industrialist and political nexus, but it is still my hometown; and one of which I am proud of.

I believe that Mumbai shall be the training ground for the new generation of Superheroes to the world. Imagine, names like Bunty-Man, Girgaum Gal, Bandra Boy and Lady Lalbaug  saving the day. They shall be household names. I know there are no such things as superheroes but I believe the city of Mumbai is an apt training ground for training superheroes. I shall now demonstrate below how each superpower can be imbibed into Mumbaikars bodies.

Super Speed :- It is a hidden secret that most Mumbaikars are faster than Usain Bolt with a fircracker up his nether regions. However, it is never shown unless the time is 5:42 p.m. or 6:12 p.m. This is the time when the person in question runs to reach his local train. Even if a Somalian athlete was running because there was a buffet table at the finish line, the Mumbaikar shall still be faster and look more harrowed than him.

Super Strength: - All Mumbaikars have a latent ability of super strength, they just haven't tapped into their potential yet. However, one can see this strength come out when people push each other inside the train so that they can get into the train and balance on one toe for the rest of the 2 hour journey back home. This is what I like to call L.S.S. ( Latent Super Strength).Which also leads me to my next superpower.

Super Agility :- A Mumbaikar can jump over dog shit on the road, hurdle a divider, leap out of the way of speeding cars, maneuver  through a crowd of people, jump over a sleeping man (Only the Indian Superhero Rajnikanth can jump over a two floored building; but it doesn't mean we Mumbaikars don't try.),balance on one toe for 2 hours (see point above), dodge a public transport vehicle, come close to falling of a train and consider a trip back home as uneventful.

Super Sight :- This ability gets activated when a person comes out of a train station to search for empty cabs and auto rickshaws. One can spot an empty rickshaw at least half a kilometer away and use their super speed to reach them before anyone else.

Super Hearing :- If one does not have super hearing one would never be able to decipher the message the announcer is trying to convey at railway station, you must have super hearing.

Super Awareness (Spidey - Sense) :- Each Mumbaikar has superb awareness which is the only superpower that is always active. However, this is some time prone to malfunction. Super Awareness is created in the Mumbaikar body due to the fact that his brain has to take notice of the people sleeping on the gorund, the dog shit on the ground as well speeding cars on the road, all in an effort to cross the road. No wonder the Chicken never reached the other side in Mumbai. It takes heightened brain activity at the level of Einstein to manage to be aware of all the surroundings.

I suggest that we start a superhero group called the Manoos Und Mahila Battling against Iniquitous (M.U.M.B.A.I) {und is and in German also Iniquitous means unjust/immoral}to battle the evils of the world and occasionally joined by the anti-hero group called Dastardly.Enigmatic.Law-breaking.Heinous.International (D.E.L.H.I.)

The sidekick training will happen on Mumbai Local trains and once proficient enough to join M.U.M.B.A.I. they shall be upgraded by being able to roam the entire city to hone in on their skills. I shall be the commander of this superhero group, since I thought of it and hopefully it will lead to less cats being stuck in trees.

(All comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. Especially the one about Somalians. People need to help the people of that country. )

Facebook = Networking, sorry Notworking.

Lets get this clear, Facebook is a waste of time. A very interesting waste of time but nonetheless, a waste of time. I am not against Facebook in anyway, and I do have an account which is also the reason I am still looking for an internship right now and why I haven't finished writing this blog for over a month.

Facebook has greatly reduced efficiency in working people; except people working in Social Media (which I have yet to still figure out). Facebook does have its pros and cons, and by this I mean the people playing Mafia Wars. Mafia wars and Farmville are the two most popular games on Facebook and everyday I thank God for them. Not playing these games proves to me that I have a functioning brain. Mafia Wars and Farmville takes the slogan of Jai Jawan, Jai Kisaan to a whole new level. (Victory to the soldier, Victory to the farmer - for people who don't understand Hindi) (This joke was provided by a stand up comedian from Delhi - forgot his name so kudos to him). Why should a person waste their time on a website, when they could be using the effort into growing their own farm in their backyard; that way we can reduce the worlds food shortage and not add to its intelligentia shortage.

Facebook also helps lunatics and crazy people, a category which is very likely that I fall into. Now a lunatic or a crazy person can talk to a wall and still be considered cool and sane in the membrane. This can also be applied to loners.

Facebook is so addictive that they have started Facebook addiction groups. According to Facebook statistics 500 million people actively use Facebook, the previous holder of that title was heroin. If Facebook was a country, it would be in top 5 most populous countries in the world and also the least productive.

My brother, who is an IT engineer will be making an app for Facebook (after he reads this) that tells you what you were doing exactly on year ago, nine times out of ten the answer would be wasting time on Facebook.

Facebook also helps people steal other peoples identities . I just found out that I am actually a dog in Azerbaijan with a foot infection and thus my status is woof woof woof - meaning help me in canince language. The privacy aspect is a big issue for most Facebook users, even more so after the new facial recognition feature which they have added. Now you shall be tagged in the pictures your stalker puts up to show to the world. Not that he could not stalk you sitting and home and clicking the refresh button for your Facebook profile every 5 minutes.

Thus Facebook needs to be eradicated from the workplace... which will lead to people checking Facebook on their phones. Which will mean more smart phones will be sold. Which means Apple, Samsung and HTC will become richer. Which also means that they could have given me money to write this blog. Which is also why I am checking my bank account every five minutes. Which is also why I have now gotten addicted to e banking. Which is also why contributions to the 'Give Taha a Porsche Fund' can be made online, Which is also why I have mentioned the words 'which' 9 times in this paragraph. (include the one in the last sentence.)

Thus Facebook helps people procrastinate and results in a blog once every two months, if it were not Facebook, I could be living the life of a blogger with more than 5 readers.

Also I will now also sometimes share videos on YouTube that I find funny. And also, no one noticed the grammatical errors in the earlier sentence. See I made you look. No coming back to the video, this is the first of hopefully many. This videos is about the new gaming hit, angry birds. Hope you enjoy it. It was taken from the Israeli comedy show 'Eretz Nehederet' ( A Wonderful Country).

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. )

The Curse of the Contacts

I love my glasses, apart from making  me seem intelligent, it helps me get into clubs without being asked for identification. My glasses have been my closest companion, one could say opening my eyes to the world around me.

However, I recently went for a photo shoot and a very attractive girl mentioned to me that I would look better without them. Which of course led to me walking into walls. My Brother, then decided it was time to get me contact lenses.

I've always hated the idea of contact lenses, because I feel that I shouldn't be paying for money to poke myself in the eye trying to fit these godforsaken objects into my eyes. Apart from that , they don't make you look intelligent (I now just look like a ragamuffin) but I did a little research on contact lenses and to my amazement I found out that they can also help you colour your eyes. Just imagine me, an Indian with blue eyes, how good would that look?

I didn't feel I was quite up to the task of maintaining contact lenses so I sat and learned quite intently from my Brother (he always gives good advice) the intricacies of using contact lenses:

1)  Clean your lenses at night: I hardly remember to brush my teeth at night, cleaning contact lenses will be difficult to learn. I also learned that putting your contacts in soap water is not the 'correct' way to clean lenses at night, one must buy a special solution to soak them in the special retainer made for the contact lenses - a lot of corporates making 'special' profits making out here. Another no- no is cleaning your lenses with saliva, which led me to forsake my lifelong cleaning mantra, if saliva can't; than nothing can.

2) If lenses dry out, soak them for 4 hours: and suffer four hours of complete blindness, waiting for the lenses to soak? Give me 4 hours of family vacation slide-shows any day.

3) Replace your lenses monthly: I sometimes forget to turn the page on the calendar (which is actually true), how would I remember to change my contact lenses?

4) Do not go to prison and then lose your lenses: pretty simple explanation there, but I kept on wondering how my brother knew that fact.

5) Always check if the contacts are inside out before wearing: this advice kind of confused me because I would be blind without my contact lenses but yet somehow I have to look and check whether they are the right way round.

6) Do not sleep while wearing contact lenses: I want to sleep all the time, and sometimes sleep with my glasses on, this isn't going to work for me.

7) Always put the contacts according to which eye they belong to go in: Out here it is written on the container 'R' for right and 'L' for left, my point again is that how would a person be able to read without my contacts. I sometimes feel, that optometrists should start teaching you how to read Braille along with giving you a contact lens prescriptions.

8) Keep fingernails trimmed: This should not be a problem for me as I always chew my nails out of nervousness, which would always happen before trying to poke myself in the eye.

These were just a few of the 32 instructions that my brother gave me. I preferred my life with only 2 instructions for me to view in Full HD and 3D (have to mention it after all the promotions by the cable companies). Remove your glasses when you sleep (optional, if you are in a moving vehicle or some place that you cannot remove your glasses) and clean them once it starts to look like the entire area is covered in fog.

So, thus ended my brief stint with the experiment of contact lenses. I have realised that although good looking girls would want to see me without my glasses, there would be no way that I would be able to see them, and that is all that matters.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)