The Pothole Pangs

This is a re hash of my older blog called Potholes Galore - Part 1 and Part 2. Unfortunately due to live.com's  lack of ability to get bloggers or retain them, this blog has vanished into thin air and thus I am happy to be on a stable blog like blogger but also sad that all the hard work of 4 years before starting this blog has now faded into oblivion. I shall try and muster up my brain cells to remember everything that went into the earlier blog and try to re-create them with a bit more of elegance, class and crassness.Also shall try to make them funny.

So coming back to the blog.

I recently had a very bad injury due to a pothole. It injured my wallet. My car had to go for servicing and thus injured me gravely. I decided to go to the head of whoever is responsible for these roads; turns out his car had gotten stuck in one of the potholes and was not coming to work today. While waiting in the room, not knowing that Mr. 'Dig'le was not coming to work I went through newspaper cuttings on the walls of their office. Apparently they were proud of the fact that the city of Poona was applying to Guinness book of world records to become the city with the most potholes in the world. On asking Mr. Digle's secretary why this was put up on the boards hoping that the response would be that they were at least not the worst in the world, he replied that they were trying to create more than Poona so that Mumbai could go into the Guinness Book of World Records. So much so that they have found a chemical to make roads that will wash away with the first rain. If you don't believe me you can read about it here.

This was too much for me to handle and I rushed home, hoping there would be a road by the time I reached there; considering it was raining. On the way I received a mysterious phone call by a person called Mr. 'Khod'ani who wanted to meet me in Lokhandwala to discuss certain things related to potholes. Being the ultra inquisitive journalist that I would love to be, I decided to meet him but at my house because I'm an armchair activist and can't do any activism without my armchair. Turns out that Mr. 'Khod'ani had been to the same office the day before me but did not have the same activist ideas running through my head. Being of a certain community,(which I love for their ingenuity and methods of making money) he had found a way to make money out of the potholes. He was going to hold a competition for potholes and he had already thought of categories. Apparently there shall be a category for largest pothole; to which I immediately mentioned the one in Bandra, but apparently that was not even on their shortlist. another award was for the road with most potholes, potholes to have created the most accidents, potholes to have broken most bones, etc. He wanted me to be the blogger covering the award ceremony , like a live blogger. Obviously I agreed, because this might give some mileage to my blog considering that I have only 5 readers.

I went to the spot that we had agreed to meet the next day and upon entering the judges tent was fitted with a harness across my waist to my astonishment. Apparently Mr. 'Khod'ani had gone into one of the potholes and was lost. I was part of a rescue mission to help find him and get him out of the pothole. After 3 hours, 4 packets of  AA batteries,5 torches and two awkward falls we found Mr. 'Khod'ani to which he exclaimed that this was the second biggest pothole in Mumbai.

Due to the fact that I was underground I had no service on my cell phone. On getting above ground I realized that I had gotten missed calls and a couple of messages from Mr. Digle. Apparently the Guinness Book of World Records were counting the number of potholes in the evening and he invited me on the helicopter ride along with a judge from Guinness. During the helicopter ride I had the urgent need to call Mr. Khodani because I had found the biggest pothole that he desired. However, due to security reasons and the fact that my phone fell from my hand and into the abyss of the metropolitan jungle I could not call Mr. Khodani. The judge from Guinness informed me that he was now on his way to Pune to check their city and would announce the winner during the closing ceremony of Mr. Khodani's function.

The big day arrived; and I got ready to live blog from the event. The show was hosted by prominent contractor Mr.'Khadde' as he was the richest of all of them. The event went without a hitch with the locality of Bhayander winning most of the prizes. But for obvious reasons the most anticipated moment of the ceremony was coming up next. This also happened to be the time when my new and highly expensive smart phone started to ring and I was shushed by the crowd. I cancelled the call and focused on the ceremony. Unfortunately Pune had won the prize of the city with most potholes, but the judge also mentioned what I wanted to tell Mr. Khodani earlier, that Mumbai will still get into the Guinness Book of world records and also what proved to be the biggest pothole in the world... wait for it... (drums rolling)... the city of Mumbai, for being the only city that is within a pothole itself and thus making it the worlds biggest pothole.

After the celebrations (during which I was crying for obvious reasons) I checked the number that gave me a call and called them back. Apparently it was a German Filmmaker who had started reading my live blogs from the ceremony and wanted to meet me. Mr. B'art Shot'tenheimer was a German filmmaker who had grown up in France, made his best films in Japan, lived in Switzerland with a Brazilian wife and an adopted Somalian child. He worked for the Science Channel and was commissioned to make a documentary on the relationship between Mumbai's potholes and the Moon. He cordially invited me to his house and offered me Nutella and bread. ( I want money for advertising Nutella.) He did not speak English very well and sounded like a French person although he was German. "Mizter, I iz looking out of window un day and I saw ze most beeutiful lake outzide. turnz out it waz juzt a pothole with watter. I have received footage of ze moon from ze science channel and am uzing it to compare Mumbaiz roadz to it. It iz very interezting you zee. I called yu hier zo that yu can take me tso those placez of ze potholez." Agreeing on helping out so that I would have my blog and name promoted at the end of thefilm, I took Mr.Shottenheimer around the city. He kept on taking videos and he kept on screaming -"Zis iz fantastik".

After the day ended, I took a rickshaw back home. The potholes on the road gave me major back pain and I heard the pregnant lady in the other rickshaw screaming that she thinks that she might have had a abortion. Potholes- the new way to control the population crisis after 3G videos. The potholes were so many that I am surprised that chiropractors aren't the richest doctors in the city and the fact that I hadn't got a slipped disc yet. However during all the expletives that were going through my head at the moment it suddenly struck me. We do not have anything known as Potholes anymore, on the other hand we have something known as potbumps i.e. the road in between the potholes. (this may seem like an old joke now, but when I first wrote this I had never heard the joke before thus leading me to believe that I was the one that created this joke.The older version of this blog I think was published around 6 years ago.) I immediately called Mr. Digle and it turns out Mr. Khodani was on the other line. I told them of my unique observation but it was dismissed as they were planning to have another prize ceremony for Potholes due to the tremendous support from the workers and financial backing from the contractors. It was such a success that they were planning to have more categories for the awards. Potholes that most looks like a Movie Star. The oldest Pothole on the road, The Potholes with the most nicknames etc. After hearing this I decided that I was better suited sitting in my armchair and being an activist from there, cause my back is killing me.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Hometown Heroes

The Mis-adventures of Bunty-Man - Comic by Taha Varawala

I have been born and brought up in Mumbai {nee Bombay (nee Mumbai)} and I am proud to call it my Hometown. Sure it may  be full of potholes, susceptible to terrorist attacks, overpopulated, filled with traffic jams,corruption due to the industrialist and political nexus, but it is still my hometown; and one of which I am proud of.

I believe that Mumbai shall be the training ground for the new generation of Superheroes to the world. Imagine, names like Bunty-Man, Girgaum Gal, Bandra Boy and Lady Lalbaug  saving the day. They shall be household names. I know there are no such things as superheroes but I believe the city of Mumbai is an apt training ground for training superheroes. I shall now demonstrate below how each superpower can be imbibed into Mumbaikars bodies.

Super Speed :- It is a hidden secret that most Mumbaikars are faster than Usain Bolt with a fircracker up his nether regions. However, it is never shown unless the time is 5:42 p.m. or 6:12 p.m. This is the time when the person in question runs to reach his local train. Even if a Somalian athlete was running because there was a buffet table at the finish line, the Mumbaikar shall still be faster and look more harrowed than him.

Super Strength: - All Mumbaikars have a latent ability of super strength, they just haven't tapped into their potential yet. However, one can see this strength come out when people push each other inside the train so that they can get into the train and balance on one toe for the rest of the 2 hour journey back home. This is what I like to call L.S.S. ( Latent Super Strength).Which also leads me to my next superpower.

Super Agility :- A Mumbaikar can jump over dog shit on the road, hurdle a divider, leap out of the way of speeding cars, maneuver  through a crowd of people, jump over a sleeping man (Only the Indian Superhero Rajnikanth can jump over a two floored building; but it doesn't mean we Mumbaikars don't try.),balance on one toe for 2 hours (see point above), dodge a public transport vehicle, come close to falling of a train and consider a trip back home as uneventful.

Super Sight :- This ability gets activated when a person comes out of a train station to search for empty cabs and auto rickshaws. One can spot an empty rickshaw at least half a kilometer away and use their super speed to reach them before anyone else.

Super Hearing :- If one does not have super hearing one would never be able to decipher the message the announcer is trying to convey at railway station, you must have super hearing.

Super Awareness (Spidey - Sense) :- Each Mumbaikar has superb awareness which is the only superpower that is always active. However, this is some time prone to malfunction. Super Awareness is created in the Mumbaikar body due to the fact that his brain has to take notice of the people sleeping on the gorund, the dog shit on the ground as well speeding cars on the road, all in an effort to cross the road. No wonder the Chicken never reached the other side in Mumbai. It takes heightened brain activity at the level of Einstein to manage to be aware of all the surroundings.

I suggest that we start a superhero group called the Manoos Und Mahila Battling against Iniquitous (M.U.M.B.A.I) {und is and in German also Iniquitous means unjust/immoral}to battle the evils of the world and occasionally joined by the anti-hero group called Dastardly.Enigmatic.Law-breaking.Heinous.International (D.E.L.H.I.)

The sidekick training will happen on Mumbai Local trains and once proficient enough to join M.U.M.B.A.I. they shall be upgraded by being able to roam the entire city to hone in on their skills. I shall be the commander of this superhero group, since I thought of it and hopefully it will lead to less cats being stuck in trees.

(All comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. Especially the one about Somalians. People need to help the people of that country. )

I.P.L. - Indian Pecunious League

Recently every person in India had their eyes glued to a television set. Not because their Indian Cricketing Icons were playing a match, but because they were being sold. And that too for amounts of money that no ordinary citizen of India could even dream of.

The bidding was over a span of two day, with a lot of Indian players going for obscene amounts of money. It reminds me of the time Cristiano Ronaldo was sold to Real Madrid. In fact, now cricket even has a Champions League. Don't you think we are trying to copy football a little too much? Pay the players obscene amounts of money and just because they cant generate enough income out of tickets from their own league, they start a so called 'Champions League'.

Some of the people will earn a lakh (1,00,000) or more for every ball they play. That is an absurd amount of money. And it reminds me of the day when Lalit Modi, the ousted CEO of the IPL once said that MS Dhoni makes more money than Cristiano Ronaldo. When I first heard that statement , I was surprised I only fell off my chair laughing and not the Earth, but with the amount that the cricketers have been bought for in this auction, I think I may need a jet propelled backpack to bring me back to Earth.

When we see the Indian Cricketers taking off their shirts and swinging it madly over their head and screaming Chak De! on TV, it is actually the players celebrating because today is their Cheque Day. (You would normally lip read the Chak De!). Gambhir will be richer than Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney will start wearing Rohit Sharma's cast offs, Andrew Symonds along with Matthew Hayden will buy their own island so that they can go 'fishing' together, Dhoni will start his own construction agency called Chakke pe Chakka Constructions (CCC - please do not confuse this with Coffee Club of Chennai which Dhoni is also a member of) which will exclusively build 12 floored buildings, Sanath Jayasuriya will run for a post of a minister, wait a minute he already did that, I think he read my previous blog.Signboard will be held saying 'Cheque Day ...preferably in Demand Draft' instead of Chak De!

On the other hand the Pakistani Cricketers will be wondering when is their 'Cheque Day'.

However, there were ways for some cricketers to make more money than they did. For instance Robin Uthappa should have changed his name to 'Onion Uthappam'. With the price of Onions these days, he surely would have been paid the highest instead of Mr. Serious - Gautam Gambhir.

I have been thinking what these cricketers will do with all this extra money.... Here are a few ideas I came up with:

1. Robin Uthappa - Start a chain of South Indian restaurants over the world , with a speciality of Uthappams.
2. Harbhajan Singh - Start an Anger Management Course, along with an Arbitration law firm, he will be needing it now that he is teammates with Andrew Symonds.
3. S Sreesanth - Start Acting Classes for Over-exaggeration and crying on national TV
4. Yusuf Pathan - Start a Demolition Company, whose tagline should be - What I do to opponents will happen to your building 
5. Ishant Sharma - Start a diet centre, so that all girls can become as thin as him.

These are just a few ideas that cropped up into my mind. If you have any suggestions please let me know and I shall pass it along to the respective cricketers. If the Cricketers don't know what to do with their money they can always give their money to my charity called "Give Taha a Porsche Fund" - which will promptly be changed to "Give Taha All Your Money Fund" - All proceeds are not tax deductible and will be spent on making Taha's (ipso facto 'me') life more comfortable in every way possible.


(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Changing Names ... Is the name Brad Pitt taken?

How about Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt sounds like a nice name for a man. I wonder if anyone else in the world is named Brad Pitt.Does anyone know if thename Brad Pitt is taken?

This sudden curiosity with changing my name came to me when I heard that the Government of India decided to change the name of a state from Orissa to Odisha. This followed the earlier decision to change the name of Bangalore to Bengaluru. Indian Cities have gone on a name changing spree after Independence.

Bombay is now Mumbai, Poona is now Pune, Madras is now Chennai, Pondicherry is now Puducherry, Calcutta is now Kolkatta and Trivandrum changed to a name that I can hardly spell let alone pronounce.

My main ire is with changing the major cities of India, meaning the big four, although I would like to include Hyderabad in there too, Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkatta and Bengaluru.

Did you know that Bengaluru means Vegetable City? It's basically a ploy by the Government to start changing the diets of the people to vegetarianism from being carnivorous beasts. After a few months with the amounts of rabbits running around and eating their crop will they realise that turning Vegetarian was not such a good idea. But more on the Non-Vegetarian - Vegetarian debate on another blog. This blog is meant for changing names. So coming back to Bangalore being a 'Vegetable city'. 'Bengaluru' or 'Bengalooroo' is derived from the Latin languange (Baingan meaning 'Vegetable' and Luru meaning 'City').

The entire world would change, meaning that they would have to change all the maps to the new names. Therefore, if India keeps changing cities names like the way African Countries change theirs, all the poor Atlas manufacturing companies would go bankrupt because as soon as they print one, they would have to print another. Or maybe they are lobbying within Governments to keep on changing names so that the people need to buy the updated version thus resulting in them buying 10 atlases a year. I have heard that they appointed Nira Radia as their lobbyist. (Just Joking)

Apart from the World, the English Language would also change. A person would have to say I have been 'Bengalurued' instead of I have been 'Bangalored'. Apart from the fact that it will be a big change for the people in India too.

Person 1: Where do you live now?
Person 2: In Bengaluru.
Person 1: Benga wa-wa?
Person 2: No, Bengaluru.
Person 1: Oh, you mean the Vegetable City.
Person 2: Yes, the Vegetable City *lets out a sigh of dissapointment*

This would be a conversation between two people: one from Bengaluru and one who is definitely not from Bengaluru.

I am totally against this blatant changing of names. I have also found a way that we the 'constant' people of India can make the government stop its 'changing' ways. I have heard that if a pertition with three signatures goes to the Lower House of Parliament i.e. Lok Sabha, they will consider changing the name . (Just like they madea big issue about Sourav Ganguly being dropped from the Indian Cricket team).

Therefore I have started a petition in Bombay. Everyone knows how to contact me. Also dontations are also mandatory to be given to "Give Taha a Porsche fund" (sorry not tax deductable). Come to think of it Bangaluru would be a cool name for a Rock band.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Global Warming and the effects on Cinema

We have to address a serious issue today. The problem of Global Warming. Global Warming not only affects the climate of the planet; thus changing the entire environment including flora and fauna but it will also affect us humans in ways that one cannot imagine.

One of the most obvious effect of Global Warming would be on the film industry. How will they survive global warming?

Lets face facts, The Titanic sank because there was  no Global Warming. Why? Since there was little  no pollution - there was no global warming, since there was no global warming the icebergs were larger, since the icebergs were larger they could have taken down the Titanic. Therefore due to lack of pollution, The Titanic sank to the bottom of the ocean floor. So I urge everyone to stop polluting less otherwise we will not have big ships that crash into icebergs only to be  found years later by a robotic submarine.If that robotic submarine would not have found the titanic we would not have had a movie based on the sinking of the ship about two desperate young lovers on board which would end up winning 11 academy awards. So please,for the sake of Leonardo Di Caprio, and all the other actors stop driving your car and use roller blades. All you will burn is fat!

If you now notice, all mainstream peole are preaching about the Environment, Leonardo Di Caprio preaching about the Environment, in hopes to prolong his acting career. Al Gore, on the other hand hoping to start his acting career after his political career didn't materialise into gaining Presidency. Leonardo Di Caprio's Documentary may seem it was out of the goodness of his heart, but the truth is that he wants to make another movie like the Titanic, only this time he may play the father of the girl in the movie. (Leonardo Di Caprio is a great actor and person, and the earlier line was just to enhance a joke)

Bollywood, apart from Hollywood, will also be affected. The dance sequences where they somehow immediately transport themselves to Switzerland to snow covered mountains will have to be replaced by dance sequences with waterfalls in the background in the mountains of Switzerland.To simulate snow they will have to use cotton, which will also be scarce because the crops would have withered in the heat. Thus songs will now be shot in Egypt, as the deserts will always be there, much like the song in Singh is King. The smog will hamper shots of films and thus there can be only close ups of the actors. Anil Kapoor's nose hair will look like a birds nest (I'm sure that they will trim it . . . someday). Actors who cannot act will be stuck in acting classes because now their bodies would not be shown in the film and would require to acquire some acting skills.

When you think about it, Kevin Costner is the next Nostradamus. He actually believed that he saw the future so much that he resorted to creating a movie which ruined his marriage. The power of self belief, he was willing to give up his married life when he believed he could see the future. I think he saw himself with a really good looking girl in the future and thus resorted to leave his wife. Waterworld, a mixture of Madmax meets Titanic, which with Global Warming will become a reality.

So the moral of this blog is don't pollute the world otherwise you would have to live in Kevin Costners Water World with ships as big as the Titanic floating around. I hope you can swim.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)