Total Drama

I have a confession. I regularly watch Hindi soaps. However, I must state that I watch these shows under duress so that I can spend time with my grandparents. Now don't get me wrong, my Grandmom is the most awesome person you will ever meet, only problem is that she likes some sort of simulated drama in her life.

After watching an excruciating amount of soaps I have come up with all the ingredients that would constitute a good soap.

1. Music at all points in the show: Most people do not notice this but at all points in time in a Hindi soap there is background music Either the government has installed loudspeakers all over the country to play soothing and sometimes spectacular music (which somehow always play at the right times) or the soap industry has decided to offer permanent employment to musicians who find jobs hard to get. Lets assume that the soap industry out of the goodness of their hearts has decided to help the Indian Music industry. 
2. Everyone goes to jail once: The most used costume in a Hindi TV show is the Police Officer, either he is entirely oblivious to the situation or drinking his tea at the police station (this does not mean that the Indian police are accurately depicted). Each character in a show needs to be arrested and sent to jail at least once and then plead with the noble police officer to let them go.
3. Laws do not apply: Be it the laws made by man or laws of nature, none of them apply to the protagonists of Hindi soaps. Jumping three floors, without any parkour training,  to nab a robber, without any damage to any bones or ligaments is a feat indeed. Being a lawyer by education what really irks me is someone going to jail for five years and not being disbarred. These are just some of the examples of laws that do not apply to Hindi soaps.
4. They always seem to have money for jewellery: They might be poor, eight people living in a one bedroom apartment but they always seem to have money to buy new jewellery. It seems that they have found a time travel machine because gold prices have not been that low since the 1970's.
5. Every character needs to turn bad at least once: This isn't actually a bad thing, Hindi soaps show that there is no purely good or evil character and everyone has a little evil in them.
6. True loves tears are even more powerful than true loves kisses: Forget true love's kiss (not that they can show kissing on Indian TV), the tears of a loved one can awake a person from a coma and sometimes even death.
7. But the most powerful thing in the world is prayer: Praying is even more powerful than love. Prayer can grant you the strength of hundred men, reincarnate a person in another body (without having to explain what happened to the poor other soul that was in the body earlier) bring someone back from the dead, revive them from a coma when doctors have said that they will be brain dead and induce a terrible number on pan in and pan outs in a space of a minute (please don't get me wrong prayer is good for the soul, but the power of prayer is being exaggerated)
8. Male protagonist and female protagonist get married, separated and then get back together: this does not need any more explaining.
9. Someone suffers from amnesia once in the show: Either from a hit to the head, or drinking something laced with chemicals, one character has to suffer from amnesia at the worse opportune moment, making everyone's lives in the show that much more difficult.

These are just a few things I have noticed that goes into making a hit Hindi soap. Now if only I could get hit in the head or drink something that will make me forget all this. Also , if Ekta Kapoor reads this, I need a job.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously).

Idiosyncratic Idiots

I recently discovered that I have many idiosyncrasies that make me who I am. These idiosyncrasies include two left feet while dancing, the ability to keep a straight face when telling a joke but laughing out loud inside (always) a monotonous voice and the ability to see other idiosyncrasies in people  and copy them while not realizing that I'm scratching my head and and tap dancing at the same time.

I've tried to notice such movements in people around me but apparently I'm oblivious to the real world. So therefore I shall try and talk about more prevalent movements in people that I notice.

I have always wondered why cricket is such a big attraction in India, sometimes its just men chasing a ball, which sounds eerily familiar to football ( the real version and not the american version which should be called handegg).

 India's national sport is hockey, not cricket yet cricket is considered to be a religion and you have many gods like Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and Zaheer Khan and also have the Demons like the entire Australian team. (Right now Evil is winning). So what intrigues me about this is that when I am walking down the road practicing my golf strokes with my imaginary club, I see people performing the bowling action in cricket to no one. Sometimes I wonder how in the sea of people that is Mumbai that they imagine a pitch on a footpath. And sometimes their weird idiosyncrasy illicits response, people actually make batting and fielding motions which leads to major commotions as can be seen by the video.

Another idiosyncrasy that I find funny is the snapping of fingers in front of the mouth while yawning. I have three theories as to why people do this. First is that they feel the entire world is amazingly boring and have not developed the vision to see things in life differently. I call this innate ability of mine "funny vision". For example, I was recently thinking that they should put a goldfishes brain in squirrels.(As everyone knows goldfishes have short term memories.) The reason why they should do this is to help solve global warming. This might not make sense to a person who lacks "funny vision" but to anyone who has this sense, this would seem like an eureka moment. ( Squirrels bury their acorns, nuts and food for winter, if they do not remember where they buried their food, it will lead to millions of trees growing every year) ( this also might results in a tree coming out of your bed room.) I propose that we save a significant proportion of the squirrel population to reproduce the next tree planters.

The second theory is that the people who snap their fingers in front of their mouths is that they are used to the spotlight and use this to grab attention of the room when they do not have any attention on themselves.. How do you think Mussolini got the entire Italian population to back him, some say it was as easy as a snap of his fingers.

My third theory is that the doctors are to blame for this idiotic idiosyncrasy. People snapping their fingers in front of their mouth do this so that on looking at the said yawning person will start yawning themselves and then start a worldwide epidemic of yawning (Yawning is contagious). This might lead to a whole number of cases of peoples jaws getting locked and having to visit the doctor.Thus the doctors started this whole idiosyncrasy of snapping their fingers in front of their mouths.

So in the end, if you do notice any idiosyncratic that is prevalent amongst society let me know and I shall tell you how I overlooked it. Also I have a feeling the Australian Doctors started it; after all they are supposed to be Demons.

(All Comments are meant to be Jokes and should not be taken seriously.)

Blog Disclaimer

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The Pothole Pangs

This is a re hash of my older blog called Potholes Galore - Part 1 and Part 2. Unfortunately due to live.com's  lack of ability to get bloggers or retain them, this blog has vanished into thin air and thus I am happy to be on a stable blog like blogger but also sad that all the hard work of 4 years before starting this blog has now faded into oblivion. I shall try and muster up my brain cells to remember everything that went into the earlier blog and try to re-create them with a bit more of elegance, class and crassness.Also shall try to make them funny.

So coming back to the blog.

I recently had a very bad injury due to a pothole. It injured my wallet. My car had to go for servicing and thus injured me gravely. I decided to go to the head of whoever is responsible for these roads; turns out his car had gotten stuck in one of the potholes and was not coming to work today. While waiting in the room, not knowing that Mr. 'Dig'le was not coming to work I went through newspaper cuttings on the walls of their office. Apparently they were proud of the fact that the city of Poona was applying to Guinness book of world records to become the city with the most potholes in the world. On asking Mr. Digle's secretary why this was put up on the boards hoping that the response would be that they were at least not the worst in the world, he replied that they were trying to create more than Poona so that Mumbai could go into the Guinness Book of World Records. So much so that they have found a chemical to make roads that will wash away with the first rain. If you don't believe me you can read about it here.

This was too much for me to handle and I rushed home, hoping there would be a road by the time I reached there; considering it was raining. On the way I received a mysterious phone call by a person called Mr. 'Khod'ani who wanted to meet me in Lokhandwala to discuss certain things related to potholes. Being the ultra inquisitive journalist that I would love to be, I decided to meet him but at my house because I'm an armchair activist and can't do any activism without my armchair. Turns out that Mr. 'Khod'ani had been to the same office the day before me but did not have the same activist ideas running through my head. Being of a certain community,(which I love for their ingenuity and methods of making money) he had found a way to make money out of the potholes. He was going to hold a competition for potholes and he had already thought of categories. Apparently there shall be a category for largest pothole; to which I immediately mentioned the one in Bandra, but apparently that was not even on their shortlist. another award was for the road with most potholes, potholes to have created the most accidents, potholes to have broken most bones, etc. He wanted me to be the blogger covering the award ceremony , like a live blogger. Obviously I agreed, because this might give some mileage to my blog considering that I have only 5 readers.

I went to the spot that we had agreed to meet the next day and upon entering the judges tent was fitted with a harness across my waist to my astonishment. Apparently Mr. 'Khod'ani had gone into one of the potholes and was lost. I was part of a rescue mission to help find him and get him out of the pothole. After 3 hours, 4 packets of  AA batteries,5 torches and two awkward falls we found Mr. 'Khod'ani to which he exclaimed that this was the second biggest pothole in Mumbai.

Due to the fact that I was underground I had no service on my cell phone. On getting above ground I realized that I had gotten missed calls and a couple of messages from Mr. Digle. Apparently the Guinness Book of World Records were counting the number of potholes in the evening and he invited me on the helicopter ride along with a judge from Guinness. During the helicopter ride I had the urgent need to call Mr. Khodani because I had found the biggest pothole that he desired. However, due to security reasons and the fact that my phone fell from my hand and into the abyss of the metropolitan jungle I could not call Mr. Khodani. The judge from Guinness informed me that he was now on his way to Pune to check their city and would announce the winner during the closing ceremony of Mr. Khodani's function.

The big day arrived; and I got ready to live blog from the event. The show was hosted by prominent contractor Mr.'Khadde' as he was the richest of all of them. The event went without a hitch with the locality of Bhayander winning most of the prizes. But for obvious reasons the most anticipated moment of the ceremony was coming up next. This also happened to be the time when my new and highly expensive smart phone started to ring and I was shushed by the crowd. I cancelled the call and focused on the ceremony. Unfortunately Pune had won the prize of the city with most potholes, but the judge also mentioned what I wanted to tell Mr. Khodani earlier, that Mumbai will still get into the Guinness Book of world records and also what proved to be the biggest pothole in the world... wait for it... (drums rolling)... the city of Mumbai, for being the only city that is within a pothole itself and thus making it the worlds biggest pothole.

After the celebrations (during which I was crying for obvious reasons) I checked the number that gave me a call and called them back. Apparently it was a German Filmmaker who had started reading my live blogs from the ceremony and wanted to meet me. Mr. B'art Shot'tenheimer was a German filmmaker who had grown up in France, made his best films in Japan, lived in Switzerland with a Brazilian wife and an adopted Somalian child. He worked for the Science Channel and was commissioned to make a documentary on the relationship between Mumbai's potholes and the Moon. He cordially invited me to his house and offered me Nutella and bread. ( I want money for advertising Nutella.) He did not speak English very well and sounded like a French person although he was German. "Mizter, I iz looking out of window un day and I saw ze most beeutiful lake outzide. turnz out it waz juzt a pothole with watter. I have received footage of ze moon from ze science channel and am uzing it to compare Mumbaiz roadz to it. It iz very interezting you zee. I called yu hier zo that yu can take me tso those placez of ze potholez." Agreeing on helping out so that I would have my blog and name promoted at the end of thefilm, I took Mr.Shottenheimer around the city. He kept on taking videos and he kept on screaming -"Zis iz fantastik".

After the day ended, I took a rickshaw back home. The potholes on the road gave me major back pain and I heard the pregnant lady in the other rickshaw screaming that she thinks that she might have had a abortion. Potholes- the new way to control the population crisis after 3G videos. The potholes were so many that I am surprised that chiropractors aren't the richest doctors in the city and the fact that I hadn't got a slipped disc yet. However during all the expletives that were going through my head at the moment it suddenly struck me. We do not have anything known as Potholes anymore, on the other hand we have something known as potbumps i.e. the road in between the potholes. (this may seem like an old joke now, but when I first wrote this I had never heard the joke before thus leading me to believe that I was the one that created this joke.The older version of this blog I think was published around 6 years ago.) I immediately called Mr. Digle and it turns out Mr. Khodani was on the other line. I told them of my unique observation but it was dismissed as they were planning to have another prize ceremony for Potholes due to the tremendous support from the workers and financial backing from the contractors. It was such a success that they were planning to have more categories for the awards. Potholes that most looks like a Movie Star. The oldest Pothole on the road, The Potholes with the most nicknames etc. After hearing this I decided that I was better suited sitting in my armchair and being an activist from there, cause my back is killing me.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Hometown Heroes

The Mis-adventures of Bunty-Man - Comic by Taha Varawala

I have been born and brought up in Mumbai {nee Bombay (nee Mumbai)} and I am proud to call it my Hometown. Sure it may  be full of potholes, susceptible to terrorist attacks, overpopulated, filled with traffic jams,corruption due to the industrialist and political nexus, but it is still my hometown; and one of which I am proud of.

I believe that Mumbai shall be the training ground for the new generation of Superheroes to the world. Imagine, names like Bunty-Man, Girgaum Gal, Bandra Boy and Lady Lalbaug  saving the day. They shall be household names. I know there are no such things as superheroes but I believe the city of Mumbai is an apt training ground for training superheroes. I shall now demonstrate below how each superpower can be imbibed into Mumbaikars bodies.

Super Speed :- It is a hidden secret that most Mumbaikars are faster than Usain Bolt with a fircracker up his nether regions. However, it is never shown unless the time is 5:42 p.m. or 6:12 p.m. This is the time when the person in question runs to reach his local train. Even if a Somalian athlete was running because there was a buffet table at the finish line, the Mumbaikar shall still be faster and look more harrowed than him.

Super Strength: - All Mumbaikars have a latent ability of super strength, they just haven't tapped into their potential yet. However, one can see this strength come out when people push each other inside the train so that they can get into the train and balance on one toe for the rest of the 2 hour journey back home. This is what I like to call L.S.S. ( Latent Super Strength).Which also leads me to my next superpower.

Super Agility :- A Mumbaikar can jump over dog shit on the road, hurdle a divider, leap out of the way of speeding cars, maneuver  through a crowd of people, jump over a sleeping man (Only the Indian Superhero Rajnikanth can jump over a two floored building; but it doesn't mean we Mumbaikars don't try.),balance on one toe for 2 hours (see point above), dodge a public transport vehicle, come close to falling of a train and consider a trip back home as uneventful.

Super Sight :- This ability gets activated when a person comes out of a train station to search for empty cabs and auto rickshaws. One can spot an empty rickshaw at least half a kilometer away and use their super speed to reach them before anyone else.

Super Hearing :- If one does not have super hearing one would never be able to decipher the message the announcer is trying to convey at railway station, you must have super hearing.

Super Awareness (Spidey - Sense) :- Each Mumbaikar has superb awareness which is the only superpower that is always active. However, this is some time prone to malfunction. Super Awareness is created in the Mumbaikar body due to the fact that his brain has to take notice of the people sleeping on the gorund, the dog shit on the ground as well speeding cars on the road, all in an effort to cross the road. No wonder the Chicken never reached the other side in Mumbai. It takes heightened brain activity at the level of Einstein to manage to be aware of all the surroundings.

I suggest that we start a superhero group called the Manoos Und Mahila Battling against Iniquitous (M.U.M.B.A.I) {und is and in German also Iniquitous means unjust/immoral}to battle the evils of the world and occasionally joined by the anti-hero group called Dastardly.Enigmatic.Law-breaking.Heinous.International (D.E.L.H.I.)

The sidekick training will happen on Mumbai Local trains and once proficient enough to join M.U.M.B.A.I. they shall be upgraded by being able to roam the entire city to hone in on their skills. I shall be the commander of this superhero group, since I thought of it and hopefully it will lead to less cats being stuck in trees.

(All comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. Especially the one about Somalians. People need to help the people of that country. )

Facebook = Networking, sorry Notworking.

Lets get this clear, Facebook is a waste of time. A very interesting waste of time but nonetheless, a waste of time. I am not against Facebook in anyway, and I do have an account which is also the reason I am still looking for an internship right now and why I haven't finished writing this blog for over a month.

Facebook has greatly reduced efficiency in working people; except people working in Social Media (which I have yet to still figure out). Facebook does have its pros and cons, and by this I mean the people playing Mafia Wars. Mafia wars and Farmville are the two most popular games on Facebook and everyday I thank God for them. Not playing these games proves to me that I have a functioning brain. Mafia Wars and Farmville takes the slogan of Jai Jawan, Jai Kisaan to a whole new level. (Victory to the soldier, Victory to the farmer - for people who don't understand Hindi) (This joke was provided by a stand up comedian from Delhi - forgot his name so kudos to him). Why should a person waste their time on a website, when they could be using the effort into growing their own farm in their backyard; that way we can reduce the worlds food shortage and not add to its intelligentia shortage.

Facebook also helps lunatics and crazy people, a category which is very likely that I fall into. Now a lunatic or a crazy person can talk to a wall and still be considered cool and sane in the membrane. This can also be applied to loners.

Facebook is so addictive that they have started Facebook addiction groups. According to Facebook statistics 500 million people actively use Facebook, the previous holder of that title was heroin. If Facebook was a country, it would be in top 5 most populous countries in the world and also the least productive.

My brother, who is an IT engineer will be making an app for Facebook (after he reads this) that tells you what you were doing exactly on year ago, nine times out of ten the answer would be wasting time on Facebook.

Facebook also helps people steal other peoples identities . I just found out that I am actually a dog in Azerbaijan with a foot infection and thus my status is woof woof woof - meaning help me in canince language. The privacy aspect is a big issue for most Facebook users, even more so after the new facial recognition feature which they have added. Now you shall be tagged in the pictures your stalker puts up to show to the world. Not that he could not stalk you sitting and home and clicking the refresh button for your Facebook profile every 5 minutes.

Thus Facebook needs to be eradicated from the workplace... which will lead to people checking Facebook on their phones. Which will mean more smart phones will be sold. Which means Apple, Samsung and HTC will become richer. Which also means that they could have given me money to write this blog. Which is also why I am checking my bank account every five minutes. Which is also why I have now gotten addicted to e banking. Which is also why contributions to the 'Give Taha a Porsche Fund' can be made online, Which is also why I have mentioned the words 'which' 9 times in this paragraph. (include the one in the last sentence.)

Thus Facebook helps people procrastinate and results in a blog once every two months, if it were not Facebook, I could be living the life of a blogger with more than 5 readers.

Also I will now also sometimes share videos on YouTube that I find funny. And also, no one noticed the grammatical errors in the earlier sentence. See I made you look. No coming back to the video, this is the first of hopefully many. This videos is about the new gaming hit, angry birds. Hope you enjoy it. It was taken from the Israeli comedy show 'Eretz Nehederet' ( A Wonderful Country).

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. )

The Curse of the Contacts

I love my glasses, apart from making  me seem intelligent, it helps me get into clubs without being asked for identification. My glasses have been my closest companion, one could say opening my eyes to the world around me.

However, I recently went for a photo shoot and a very attractive girl mentioned to me that I would look better without them. Which of course led to me walking into walls. My Brother, then decided it was time to get me contact lenses.

I've always hated the idea of contact lenses, because I feel that I shouldn't be paying for money to poke myself in the eye trying to fit these godforsaken objects into my eyes. Apart from that , they don't make you look intelligent (I now just look like a ragamuffin) but I did a little research on contact lenses and to my amazement I found out that they can also help you colour your eyes. Just imagine me, an Indian with blue eyes, how good would that look?

I didn't feel I was quite up to the task of maintaining contact lenses so I sat and learned quite intently from my Brother (he always gives good advice) the intricacies of using contact lenses:

1)  Clean your lenses at night: I hardly remember to brush my teeth at night, cleaning contact lenses will be difficult to learn. I also learned that putting your contacts in soap water is not the 'correct' way to clean lenses at night, one must buy a special solution to soak them in the special retainer made for the contact lenses - a lot of corporates making 'special' profits making out here. Another no- no is cleaning your lenses with saliva, which led me to forsake my lifelong cleaning mantra, if saliva can't; than nothing can.

2) If lenses dry out, soak them for 4 hours: and suffer four hours of complete blindness, waiting for the lenses to soak? Give me 4 hours of family vacation slide-shows any day.

3) Replace your lenses monthly: I sometimes forget to turn the page on the calendar (which is actually true), how would I remember to change my contact lenses?

4) Do not go to prison and then lose your lenses: pretty simple explanation there, but I kept on wondering how my brother knew that fact.

5) Always check if the contacts are inside out before wearing: this advice kind of confused me because I would be blind without my contact lenses but yet somehow I have to look and check whether they are the right way round.

6) Do not sleep while wearing contact lenses: I want to sleep all the time, and sometimes sleep with my glasses on, this isn't going to work for me.

7) Always put the contacts according to which eye they belong to go in: Out here it is written on the container 'R' for right and 'L' for left, my point again is that how would a person be able to read without my contacts. I sometimes feel, that optometrists should start teaching you how to read Braille along with giving you a contact lens prescriptions.

8) Keep fingernails trimmed: This should not be a problem for me as I always chew my nails out of nervousness, which would always happen before trying to poke myself in the eye.

These were just a few of the 32 instructions that my brother gave me. I preferred my life with only 2 instructions for me to view in Full HD and 3D (have to mention it after all the promotions by the cable companies). Remove your glasses when you sleep (optional, if you are in a moving vehicle or some place that you cannot remove your glasses) and clean them once it starts to look like the entire area is covered in fog.

So, thus ended my brief stint with the experiment of contact lenses. I have realised that although good looking girls would want to see me without my glasses, there would be no way that I would be able to see them, and that is all that matters.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

The Bliss of Indolence

"All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness." -Mark Kennedy.

As humans we want to be lazy. Why do you think it takes me so much time to update my blog? I want to be lazy, but once in a while people get the urge to do some productive work and right now that urge has led me to write this blog, which does not mean that this blog is productive activity.

I recently was waiting along with 6 other lawyers to meet another lawyer in his chambers. While waiting I noticed something which led me to write this blog. (No, I did not notice that hell froze over with so many lawyers at one place). What I noticed was that 6 out of the 7 lawyers or going to be lawyers wore slip on formal shoes.(The ones with no laces). This led me to noticing other peoples shoes. All the rich clients that enter our office also wear those kinds of shoes. We are now so lazy that we don't even want to tie our own shoe laces. No wonder all the big corporate hotshots are called 'Fat Cats' (And by 'big' I mean 'BIG').

As a race we are getting so lazy that we are also now not willing to fight our own wars.The United States send Robotic Drones and Fighters to go and attack the enemy while the controller is sitting in some far off air conditioned room with a bag of chips on his beer belly.

But if you notice lazy people are probably the ones that work hardest. I know this sounds contradictory but if you think about it, most inventions were made so that people can be lazy. The Wheel, so that a person would not have to walk, the Wagon so that people didn't have to pull, the ship because they didn't want to travel that far,the Airplane because people didn't want to navigate ships. The Auto Pilot because people didn't want to fly the plane.So most of life's invention are to make peoples life lazier, and all of these inventions were by people who wanted to be lazy. Except for the Rubiks Cube, I have no idea why anyone came up with something like that.

Things we take for granted are made so that we can make our lives more easier. For example Velcro.I wonder what the thought process of the inventor was. "Hey, I just realised that the chips get stuck in my arm hair. And it doesn't come of. Maybe I should see if other things stick in here." Therefore after much experimenting with his arm hair (or her arm hair) velcro was invented. This was probably the same guy who was test piloting all the Air force drones.

Efiicieny is just intelligent laziness.However, there are certain negatives to laziness which I shall point out now: Kissing is one of the things a person should always find energy to do, like kissing your girlfriend or wife, blowing a kiss across the room should only be left for mothers, aunts and unidentifiable relatives. Patience: I know it sounds paradoxical, how can laziness harm patience but imagine this, laziness invented the instant mashed potato, Polaroid cameras, and microwavable dinners. We cant expect to teach the next generation patience if we ourselves have none of it.

However, I have noticed that the fatter the person, the richer he usually is, look at all of India's business tycoons. You get fat because you are lazy and thus I have realised that if I want to own a house in the city of Mumbai one must be very lazy to get it. So what I suggest is to get a hammock and a Mojito and enjoy laziness.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

I.P.L. - Indian Pecunious League

Recently every person in India had their eyes glued to a television set. Not because their Indian Cricketing Icons were playing a match, but because they were being sold. And that too for amounts of money that no ordinary citizen of India could even dream of.

The bidding was over a span of two day, with a lot of Indian players going for obscene amounts of money. It reminds me of the time Cristiano Ronaldo was sold to Real Madrid. In fact, now cricket even has a Champions League. Don't you think we are trying to copy football a little too much? Pay the players obscene amounts of money and just because they cant generate enough income out of tickets from their own league, they start a so called 'Champions League'.

Some of the people will earn a lakh (1,00,000) or more for every ball they play. That is an absurd amount of money. And it reminds me of the day when Lalit Modi, the ousted CEO of the IPL once said that MS Dhoni makes more money than Cristiano Ronaldo. When I first heard that statement , I was surprised I only fell off my chair laughing and not the Earth, but with the amount that the cricketers have been bought for in this auction, I think I may need a jet propelled backpack to bring me back to Earth.

When we see the Indian Cricketers taking off their shirts and swinging it madly over their head and screaming Chak De! on TV, it is actually the players celebrating because today is their Cheque Day. (You would normally lip read the Chak De!). Gambhir will be richer than Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney will start wearing Rohit Sharma's cast offs, Andrew Symonds along with Matthew Hayden will buy their own island so that they can go 'fishing' together, Dhoni will start his own construction agency called Chakke pe Chakka Constructions (CCC - please do not confuse this with Coffee Club of Chennai which Dhoni is also a member of) which will exclusively build 12 floored buildings, Sanath Jayasuriya will run for a post of a minister, wait a minute he already did that, I think he read my previous blog.Signboard will be held saying 'Cheque Day ...preferably in Demand Draft' instead of Chak De!

On the other hand the Pakistani Cricketers will be wondering when is their 'Cheque Day'.

However, there were ways for some cricketers to make more money than they did. For instance Robin Uthappa should have changed his name to 'Onion Uthappam'. With the price of Onions these days, he surely would have been paid the highest instead of Mr. Serious - Gautam Gambhir.

I have been thinking what these cricketers will do with all this extra money.... Here are a few ideas I came up with:

1. Robin Uthappa - Start a chain of South Indian restaurants over the world , with a speciality of Uthappams.
2. Harbhajan Singh - Start an Anger Management Course, along with an Arbitration law firm, he will be needing it now that he is teammates with Andrew Symonds.
3. S Sreesanth - Start Acting Classes for Over-exaggeration and crying on national TV
4. Yusuf Pathan - Start a Demolition Company, whose tagline should be - What I do to opponents will happen to your building 
5. Ishant Sharma - Start a diet centre, so that all girls can become as thin as him.

These are just a few ideas that cropped up into my mind. If you have any suggestions please let me know and I shall pass it along to the respective cricketers. If the Cricketers don't know what to do with their money they can always give their money to my charity called "Give Taha a Porsche Fund" - which will promptly be changed to "Give Taha All Your Money Fund" - All proceeds are not tax deductible and will be spent on making Taha's (ipso facto 'me') life more comfortable in every way possible.


(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

On Call Conversations

Recently, I got very pissed off with one of my friends because we don't keep in touch anymore. In college, when we both probably received our first cell phones, we used to sit up and talk to each other till 2 in the morning, because it was so difficult to do all that talking when we met each other at 11 in the morning till 11 at night.

However, it struck me; that day, that I should not get mad; because the older you get the less time you spend having conversations on the phone. Or else the more you progress to middle age the shorter your conversations start to get and probably pick up once again after you retire. However most of the 'men' I know who have passed retirement still do not talk on the phone that much, However, 'Women' are a completely different issue. They will talk so much that you might not have seen phone bills that high. Which is also another reason why the men talk so little because they realized that if they talk on the phone as much as women did their retirement fund would probably get over in 5 years. Another fact is that if you are called 'prehistorically old' by the new teenagers you probably might not be able to hear the other person on the line and cut the call or have a conversation on the phone for a long time not realizing that you are talking to yourself

When I first got my cell phone, I was on it all the time; mainly telling my mom that I would be back home in 15 minutes, but yes I used to use my cell phone a lot more when I was in Junior College (11th and 12th grade) than I do now. Even when I call a person its mainly for some work and not for just catching up. My normal Conversation at this moment is:

Me: Have you completed the Journal?
Friend: No. Do you know when we have to submit it?
Me: No clue, will talk to you later.
Friend: See you.

My friend and me had entire conversation in 4 lines and mainly about college work. Nowadays we don't even start with a 'Hello' or 'Hi' but get straight to the point. However, this conversation would be drastically different when I just received my new cell phone.

Me: Hello!
Friend Dude!
Me: So have you been attending lectures?
Friend: Nope, don't even know what the teachers faces look like.
Me: Me too. (Pause for laugh), so do you know when we have to submit the journals?
Friend: We have to submit a journal?
Me: Yeah, apparently. Apparently its 10 marks of you overall exam.
Friend: Why doesn't anyone tell me this.
Me: Yeah, I came to know today because this girl called me and told me about it. I don't even know what her name was. The one who is short with dark rimmed glasses and looks like she is constantly in the library.
Friend: Yeah that girl who sucks up to the teacher, yeah she is a complete (add expletive here), she didn't even tell me.
Me: Yeah man,
This Conversation goes on for around an hour... and if you forgot what the conversation was about, it was about submission of journals.

Reading the above two conversation I realized somethings. Firstly, I never attend college and probably will be rusticated for low attendance which will severely lower my attendance and that a 11 or more line conversation can be condensed into 4 lines.

I really hate getting calls nowadays because it normally means work for me, and I try as hard as possible to be lazy when I can. However, I should be accepting more calls because when I become a lawyer I get to charge for calls. On the other hand, I hope that the people on the other line are either old women who ramble on for hours or young teenage kids who also ramble on for hours thus giving me enough money early in life to retire into a life of laziness.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously.)

An Ode to Rum on a Deserted Island - Based on the stylings of Ogden Nash

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High-Ho, all about a friend, a.k.a. a chum,
The one eyed Pirate drew his sword,
"Aarr! I'll make you walk the board."
The dashing Captain in one swing;
Cut the rope to the canvassy thing.

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho, the Captain was about to finish the scum.
The Captain thought the pirate was trap-ped;
But somehow the Pirate escap-ped.
"The reason,"the Pirate said,"I have one eye;
Is because in a fight, I got injured, but I still finished the guy."

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee- Dum;
High- Ho, the Pirate was not that dumb.
The Pirate made a quick dash,
Followed by a mighty slash.
The Captain stepped aside;
Mainly to save his own hide.

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho, The Captain now had to save his bum.
A move to the right, a move to the left and block.
The ship was approaching the dock.
"Look out! We are going to crash!." Without the canvassy thing to steer,
They smashed into the pier.


Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho,both of them had to save their scrotum.
In the cold water they started free-king;
Oh, the icy waters. Which led them to thin-king,
All they had was a bottle of rum;
for the Pirate, the Captain & the friend a.k.a the chum.

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho,Thank the heavens for the bottle of rum.
They waited there for a save,
And hark! a ship, beyond the wave.
They celebrated & rejoiced that each was now a chum,
All thanks to the bottle of rum
Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho, Ho, Ho, and a bottle of rum.

-Taha Varawala.

Changing Names ... Is the name Brad Pitt taken?

How about Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt sounds like a nice name for a man. I wonder if anyone else in the world is named Brad Pitt.Does anyone know if thename Brad Pitt is taken?

This sudden curiosity with changing my name came to me when I heard that the Government of India decided to change the name of a state from Orissa to Odisha. This followed the earlier decision to change the name of Bangalore to Bengaluru. Indian Cities have gone on a name changing spree after Independence.

Bombay is now Mumbai, Poona is now Pune, Madras is now Chennai, Pondicherry is now Puducherry, Calcutta is now Kolkatta and Trivandrum changed to a name that I can hardly spell let alone pronounce.

My main ire is with changing the major cities of India, meaning the big four, although I would like to include Hyderabad in there too, Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkatta and Bengaluru.

Did you know that Bengaluru means Vegetable City? It's basically a ploy by the Government to start changing the diets of the people to vegetarianism from being carnivorous beasts. After a few months with the amounts of rabbits running around and eating their crop will they realise that turning Vegetarian was not such a good idea. But more on the Non-Vegetarian - Vegetarian debate on another blog. This blog is meant for changing names. So coming back to Bangalore being a 'Vegetable city'. 'Bengaluru' or 'Bengalooroo' is derived from the Latin languange (Baingan meaning 'Vegetable' and Luru meaning 'City').

The entire world would change, meaning that they would have to change all the maps to the new names. Therefore, if India keeps changing cities names like the way African Countries change theirs, all the poor Atlas manufacturing companies would go bankrupt because as soon as they print one, they would have to print another. Or maybe they are lobbying within Governments to keep on changing names so that the people need to buy the updated version thus resulting in them buying 10 atlases a year. I have heard that they appointed Nira Radia as their lobbyist. (Just Joking)

Apart from the World, the English Language would also change. A person would have to say I have been 'Bengalurued' instead of I have been 'Bangalored'. Apart from the fact that it will be a big change for the people in India too.

Person 1: Where do you live now?
Person 2: In Bengaluru.
Person 1: Benga wa-wa?
Person 2: No, Bengaluru.
Person 1: Oh, you mean the Vegetable City.
Person 2: Yes, the Vegetable City *lets out a sigh of dissapointment*

This would be a conversation between two people: one from Bengaluru and one who is definitely not from Bengaluru.

I am totally against this blatant changing of names. I have also found a way that we the 'constant' people of India can make the government stop its 'changing' ways. I have heard that if a pertition with three signatures goes to the Lower House of Parliament i.e. Lok Sabha, they will consider changing the name . (Just like they madea big issue about Sourav Ganguly being dropped from the Indian Cricket team).

Therefore I have started a petition in Bombay. Everyone knows how to contact me. Also dontations are also mandatory to be given to "Give Taha a Porsche fund" (sorry not tax deductable). Come to think of it Bangaluru would be a cool name for a Rock band.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Global Warming and the effects on Cinema

We have to address a serious issue today. The problem of Global Warming. Global Warming not only affects the climate of the planet; thus changing the entire environment including flora and fauna but it will also affect us humans in ways that one cannot imagine.

One of the most obvious effect of Global Warming would be on the film industry. How will they survive global warming?

Lets face facts, The Titanic sank because there was  no Global Warming. Why? Since there was little  no pollution - there was no global warming, since there was no global warming the icebergs were larger, since the icebergs were larger they could have taken down the Titanic. Therefore due to lack of pollution, The Titanic sank to the bottom of the ocean floor. So I urge everyone to stop polluting less otherwise we will not have big ships that crash into icebergs only to be  found years later by a robotic submarine.If that robotic submarine would not have found the titanic we would not have had a movie based on the sinking of the ship about two desperate young lovers on board which would end up winning 11 academy awards. So please,for the sake of Leonardo Di Caprio, and all the other actors stop driving your car and use roller blades. All you will burn is fat!

If you now notice, all mainstream peole are preaching about the Environment, Leonardo Di Caprio preaching about the Environment, in hopes to prolong his acting career. Al Gore, on the other hand hoping to start his acting career after his political career didn't materialise into gaining Presidency. Leonardo Di Caprio's Documentary may seem it was out of the goodness of his heart, but the truth is that he wants to make another movie like the Titanic, only this time he may play the father of the girl in the movie. (Leonardo Di Caprio is a great actor and person, and the earlier line was just to enhance a joke)

Bollywood, apart from Hollywood, will also be affected. The dance sequences where they somehow immediately transport themselves to Switzerland to snow covered mountains will have to be replaced by dance sequences with waterfalls in the background in the mountains of Switzerland.To simulate snow they will have to use cotton, which will also be scarce because the crops would have withered in the heat. Thus songs will now be shot in Egypt, as the deserts will always be there, much like the song in Singh is King. The smog will hamper shots of films and thus there can be only close ups of the actors. Anil Kapoor's nose hair will look like a birds nest (I'm sure that they will trim it . . . someday). Actors who cannot act will be stuck in acting classes because now their bodies would not be shown in the film and would require to acquire some acting skills.

When you think about it, Kevin Costner is the next Nostradamus. He actually believed that he saw the future so much that he resorted to creating a movie which ruined his marriage. The power of self belief, he was willing to give up his married life when he believed he could see the future. I think he saw himself with a really good looking girl in the future and thus resorted to leave his wife. Waterworld, a mixture of Madmax meets Titanic, which with Global Warming will become a reality.

So the moral of this blog is don't pollute the world otherwise you would have to live in Kevin Costners Water World with ships as big as the Titanic floating around. I hope you can swim.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Memories of My Memories

R.I.P. Memory of Administrative Law. Much loved. Learnt 10/11/2010, Forgotten 15/11/2010 at 5:30 p.m.

R.I.P. Memory of Family Law. Confused Soul. Learnt 15/11/2010, Forgotten 18/11/2010 at 5:30 p.m.

R.I.P. Memory of Transfer of Property Act.Hated by All. Learnt 18/11/2010. Forgotten 22/11/2010 at 5:30 p.m.

R.I.P. Memory of Company Law.Good Company. Learnt 22/11/2010, Forgotten 25/10/2010 at 5:30 p.m.

My brain is a moratorium for all that I try to remember.

Looking at the above statements one can see that apart from forgetting things, I am studying Law. If anyone knew me they would also know that at 5:30 my papers would end, thus ending the memory life of that subject.

Although I still do remember the important parts like the fact that only directors can become the Karta of a Hindu Undivided Family through appointment by the President and can adopt an Ombudsman only with permission from the Liquidator pertaining to the rules regarding maintenance written down in the Constitution.

No, I actually do remember most of my subjects but the fact is that I don't remember them as well  after the paper as I did before.

A Discovery Channel show propounded the 'Theory of Memory' which stated that the more a person sleeps the better his chance of remembering things. Apparently your Brains grey cells store all the memories as Short Term memory and then convert them into Long term Memory when you sleep. So the longer you sleep the better your memory. So therefore it propounds that being an Insomniac will lead to either amnesia or Alzheimers. I'm an Insomniac. I feel devastated that I might someday lose my ..... what was I talking about?

So one day I decided to put this 'Theory of Memory' to the test. I was the Guinea pig as the insomniac and my perpetually sleepy cousin was the Guinea Pig as the person who sleeps a lot. My friend who is an average person with an average memory and average height who sleeps an average amount of hours a day was the Judge.

Why did I mention Average Height? It's because apparently you grow in your sleep and that explains why my cousin is 6 foot 4 and I'm in his shadow at a paltry 5 feet 8.

Anyway back to judging. We each were given a bunch of 10 photos, shown each for 5 seconds. We had to wait until the next day and at 5:30 p.m. send an email to the Judge describing each photo in one line. I remembered 6 out of 10, whereas my cousin remembered 10 out of 10. So this proved Discovery's 'Theory of Memory' right. But in fact it somewhat disproved it.

My cousin stayed at my house for the night and I can tell you that all he did was sleep apart from the 50 seconds he saw the photos. On the other hand I stayed awake for a minimum of 19 hours of the day. Which shows that the reason why sleepy people have a better memory of their days because all they have to do is remember what they did in that short amount of time, whereas an insomniac cant be expected to remember what he was doing at 11:59 p.m. on a Friday night. The probable answer for my cousin would have been 'Sleeping'. Whereas my answer would be writing this blog instead of being out with friends enjoying myself.

Therefore most of the sights and sounds of the day usually come with a gravestone attached. However, certain times they turn into Zombies and come to haunt you much like the incident of the prawns. (Read P.G. Wodehouse - Summer Lightning)

Therefore what I miss most are my memories, but I shall always console myself ifn the fact that I have memories of my memories.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Curl Up and Die-t !

Nowadays most people are talking about working out and what type of diet they are on. I propose the Taha Diet, patented my me, which promises to make you fat when you don't want it to. Basic nutritional sources would include chocolates, Ice cream and fried food. After all you cant get enough of these things. However I would love to research my competitors who somehow want to make people thin. What really surprises me is the amount of models that swear by these diets, most of them who look like they eat one carrot stick a week. These are the people who should take on the Taha Diet. A sure way to get you in shape, considering that round is a shape.

Atkins, General Motor, South Beach are just some of the diets that are available to the public. Other diets include - diet coke, diet pepsi, diet chips and dye-it which is a dyeing product. The whole revolution was started by Atkins and snowballed into one small piece of chicken. The only diet I really agree with is the subway diet where you eat subway sandwiches to lose weight. " That would be two meatball subs with cheese and 4 cookies, 2 packets of chips and a diet coke - you see I'm on a diet."

However I have to get into eating the right proportions, which would also mean altering my vocabulary -I'm so hungry,  I could eat a horse would now change to I'm so hungry that I could eat a pony.

These diets that are mentioned above could also be used as torture techniques ...  only one chip of lays, no more. Of course after all no one can eat just one ( I want money for advertising your brand) and they would go into mad fits craving for the second piece , they would not receive the second piece cause potatoes are filled with carbohydrates.

Another diet which people are using is what I call the rabbit food diet. I'm against this for 2 reasons - first all you eat is pretty much rabbit food, when I last read what rabbits ate was raw vegetables, nuts and their own poop. Something I am not willing to eat. Secondly this diet is made for rabbits and we all know how rabbits multiply. We are already have a population crisis, we dont need more people coming and eating all the vegetables. Hey maybe its not that bad , it leaves the meat for me .. eat little rabbits eat !!!

So right now I am contemplating which diet would be a major competitor to the Taha Diet , lets say none of them come close but I am writing this blog from inside Atkins headquarters where they gave me my last piece of lays, all I need to do to free my self is curl up and die-t.

(All comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Self Help . . .

I love the words self and help, because I love myself and I love help, especially of the monetary kind. But bring them together and I will run away like you have the plague. This is excepting of course, when those words are printed on a card in front of a buffet line.

Self - Help books are something I don't believe in, but obviously they sell like hot potatoes.They are very much like hot potatoes, since once a person buys it, they realize that it is of absolutely no use. So they throw it into the waiting hands of the next person, who does the same and this chain will go on forever. The book will encompass the earth and then land up into your hands when you are old and then you realize, hey I haven't read this book, and then do the same thing over, therefore making your children live through the pain of receiving the self help book after you are no more.

Also I don't need self help books to tell me how to lead my life, for that I have other people who work free of cost for me : my parents. 7 habits of highly effective teens- the whole idea of being a teen is being a rebel so read that book and don't follow any of it, that's what a true blue teen would do.

I was thinking of writing a self help book for all those people who actually don't like them titled 'I hate self help books,' this will be promptly followed by my next book called 'I hate my previous book.'

Admittedly self help books are flying of the shelves (and all over the world as we speak), but don't you think that self help has become a little too much these days. Here are the names of a few books that I recently found at my local bookstore.

1) You can DOO it : A self help guide to cleaning up after your dog : Collie Sheppard
2) Suicide for dummies : An incomplete self help book with marvelous motivation techniques to kill yourself by Shooter Headley. Unfortunately the author couldn't finish the book because it was too useful for him. I wonder why he did it though? maybe because he was writing a self help book?
3) Tapping your potential : 5 simple steps to close your tap by Joe Plumber.

I mean they come up with self help books for everything. Maybe next year they will come out with a self help book on how to breathe. Wait that's a Yoga book. Hey, actually that self help book may not be such a bad idea, I surely need it, I cant breathe in Mumbai due to all its pollution.

(All comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. Especially the suicide bit, Nothing is worth taking your own life for)

Shortcut to "Happyness"

(Please note that the following blog is meant for adults who are mature people, not immature people who think Twilight is the greatest thing since sliced bread.)

I recently saw a movie called Shortcut to Happiness, where the protagonist sells his soul to the Devil in order to make him a successful writer. Notice how I mention "successful" and not good. Gone are the days when an author could write three whole pages about the knights armour, nowadays all we can look forward to are lines like "Do I dazzle you?"

One such person who seems to have sold their soul to the Devil is Stephenie Meyer. I'm not saying she isn't successful, but her writing is probably as good as a blind person trying to compete in Formula 1.

Why the sudden hatred for the "twilight" series. At a website about famous quotes people actually put up a quote by Edward Cullen. Now I have major problems with this. Apparently Edward Cullen is now so famous that he outranks Abraham Lincoln in famous people to take quotes from. (Abe Lincoln's quote was on the second page)

Most people I know are on Team Edward or Team Jake. I am on Team -I'm so glad I can read words more than 8 letters. Everyone knew I was against the twilight franchise when it first became a craze in India. I must say I might be biased not having read the entire book or seen the movies but the mere fact that it changes what Vampires can die by, astounds me. Apparently Vampires dazzle in sunlight, not burn away to embers. Give me Blade anyday.

I think Stephenie Meyer has been stalking Karan Johar as well as Woody Allen. Again the question "Why" comes to most peoples brains. The reason for this is that she has taken a typical Bollywood film script and added Woody Allens life to it to make the end more interesting. Boy meets girl, Boy falls in love with girl, Girl falls in love with Boy, Second Boy falls in love with Girl, both boys team up against evil, second boy doesn't get girl. This is where it gets Woody Allen'ish' Second Boy falls for daughter of first boy and girl. ( Woody Allen married his adopted daughter) And just so that this becomes a little less obvious that she was stalking them, she adds vampires and werewolves. I mean no disrespect for Karan Johar or Woody Allen by relating them to Stephenie Meyer because some of their works are really works of art and should never be dissed like this current blog.

And although I will admit that Stephenie Meyer may have worked hard and earned her dues it does not take away from the fact that it was a horrible piece of literature with tons of grammatical errors. (This is taken on word from a friend who actually read twilight). This book had mass appeal for all those people who actually don't read literature or books at all, and to make it worse for the people who could not even read the books because it was too tedious they came out with Movies to make it more accessible and therefore infinitely more irritating.

Another fact that she changed about Vampires was that apparently they are dead. ( I read this on a site...see I do some research before criticizing)Essentially it means that Edward Cullen does not have a heart beat, no heart Beat means no blood flow, no blood flow means no arousal, no arousal means no chance in hell to procreate, no procreation means no children, no children means that Jacob will have to go and find some other persons daughter to fall in love with. Not only does she change the set down rules relating to vampires as laid down in Dracula, she also decides that she can alter the rules of biology (Vampires were humans before they got bitten). Just because Vampires can turn in to bats and fly doesn't mean that all parts of his body can 'levitate'.

To deal with this great curse upon mankind I suggest that we start up a rehabilitation centre for treatment of T-Cells. T-Cells are brain cells that are dead because of constant exposure to crappy literature. T-Cells is short for (Twilight Cells). Normally they are removed through brain surgery in which Doctors have to wear sunglasses cause when they operate the T- Cells will start 'dazzling' in the light. However this does not mean to say that the person is a genius and dazzled people with his/her intelligence. It is a risky procedure and because of which most people don't opt for the surgery and wear t-shirts printed with Team - Jacob or Team -Edward on them not realizing that no such sports team exists. However due to old and classical methods a cure has been found by making such people expand their horizons and read literature that actually requires you to use your head such as Alexandre Dumas, Shakespeare and Tennyson to name a few. Thus is the need for a Rehabilitation Centre, also known as a library (sans the twilight series). I am willing to set one up and all donations must be sent to the "Give Taha A Porsche Fund" which is not tax deductible. However I shall promise to use these funds only to buy great literature and not buy a Porsche or alcohol for my band (Read:Canaries through Grinders).

Now I am reaching the twilight of my blog and all I want to say is that I hope Stephenie Meyer is satisfied with all the money she earned from the Twilight Franchise, cause I don't think I can live through another torture like that once more.

(All Comments were meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

Canaries through Grinders

Most people don't know this but I play the bass guitar for a fictional band called the Radio Active Ninja Monkeys (RANM's). We even have a group on facebook (which is 15 members large) with our first album cover and songs list on. Well recently we had a not so acrimonious split with our lead singer, which is to say she hasnt called any band member in a month. (This means you Zainab). Also we are still looking for a rhythm guitarists having to use one of our well trained monkeys to play the guitar for the CD. So because we cant have lyrics on our songs, I have found a new avenue in which the RANM's could make our name. It is an area of music no band has ever gone into before and I highly doubt they will, giving us ample space to clog the market. What is this avenue? Elevator Music.

Ever noticed how you have these really irritating songs that make you want to get out of the elevator. These songs are really horrendous and they should increase taxes on companies that subject their employees to the god awful sound that seems like a canary got stuck in a grinder. (na na na na na dum dum *sploosh *sploosh). I believe that people who say that they have claustrophobia and would rather take the stairs are the intelligent ones who know that even those five seconds of torture would make James Bond divulge the Queens biggest secrets. Come to think of it this music should be played in all interrogation rooms, it will be a lot easier to nab burglars murderers and corrupt politicians, sometime even the policeman who has not yet questioned the suspect.

The reason I say elevator music is because it doesnt require any lyrics of any kind and that can be the way we pay for our next Album. (Assassination Guaranteed) [Please join us to create our new albums as fictitious studio costs are very expensive. So if you want to hear more of our band please send money to "Give Taha a Porsche Fund" which is not Tax deductible. However money that is sent may or may not be used to buy alcohol.] Anyway back to elevator music, all we have to do is play a few chords that dont sound as bad as nails grating against a blackboard and we should be in business. We are having the next meeting of the band to look over applications for lead singers as well as Rhythm Guitarists in December, so you have time to send in your applications for this fictitous band. Until then all I will sit and do is strum my guitar and get rich for it.

A little about RadioActive Ninja Monkeys.

First Album - Attack (2007) (Please note that the songs made up on the CD were thought up before the horrible attacks on Mumbai, if you go visit our site.)

Lead Guitarist - Rushabh Shah

Drums - Neti Shah

Bass - Taha Varawala

Keyboard - Amreen Rupawala

Rhythm Guitar- Trained Monkey

Triangle - Pranav Dhawan

Band Manager - Qadir Varawala

* Notice we are the only Rock Band to have a person play the Triangle - ting.

So until we get the money needed to create our new album, you can hear us in your nearest elevator in the next few months. Look out for some soulful jazz guitar and instrumental music, that will not be us.We will be the ones with the Alternative Rock and sometimes metal elevator music. Thinking about it Elevator Music is needed by every company and apartment to stop people from getting bored and doing crazy things in the elevators (like pushing all the buttons.... ooh how evil! ) It tends to get a person to concentrate on the music all the time cursing the person who created it. However our music is way different and would get a different reaction in a person, to go buy a beer and drink it, and if my true message is sent across, they will go buy a beer and send it to the band.

So please go to your bosses and ask them to use our elevator Music, out of which a new CD will be released, you or a band member will get a beer, The Band will get rich and Vijay Mallya will get even richer (why do you think he sponsored our first album. P.S. MOST BAND MEMBERS DRINK ONLY KINGFISHER {thousand bucks in my pocket right there}). Please tell them to change the music so that it doesn't sound like canaries through a grinder.Come to think of it Canaries through Grinders is not a bad name for a band.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)