Facebook = Networking, sorry Notworking.

Lets get this clear, Facebook is a waste of time. A very interesting waste of time but nonetheless, a waste of time. I am not against Facebook in anyway, and I do have an account which is also the reason I am still looking for an internship right now and why I haven't finished writing this blog for over a month.

Facebook has greatly reduced efficiency in working people; except people working in Social Media (which I have yet to still figure out). Facebook does have its pros and cons, and by this I mean the people playing Mafia Wars. Mafia wars and Farmville are the two most popular games on Facebook and everyday I thank God for them. Not playing these games proves to me that I have a functioning brain. Mafia Wars and Farmville takes the slogan of Jai Jawan, Jai Kisaan to a whole new level. (Victory to the soldier, Victory to the farmer - for people who don't understand Hindi) (This joke was provided by a stand up comedian from Delhi - forgot his name so kudos to him). Why should a person waste their time on a website, when they could be using the effort into growing their own farm in their backyard; that way we can reduce the worlds food shortage and not add to its intelligentia shortage.

Facebook also helps lunatics and crazy people, a category which is very likely that I fall into. Now a lunatic or a crazy person can talk to a wall and still be considered cool and sane in the membrane. This can also be applied to loners.

Facebook is so addictive that they have started Facebook addiction groups. According to Facebook statistics 500 million people actively use Facebook, the previous holder of that title was heroin. If Facebook was a country, it would be in top 5 most populous countries in the world and also the least productive.

My brother, who is an IT engineer will be making an app for Facebook (after he reads this) that tells you what you were doing exactly on year ago, nine times out of ten the answer would be wasting time on Facebook.

Facebook also helps people steal other peoples identities . I just found out that I am actually a dog in Azerbaijan with a foot infection and thus my status is woof woof woof - meaning help me in canince language. The privacy aspect is a big issue for most Facebook users, even more so after the new facial recognition feature which they have added. Now you shall be tagged in the pictures your stalker puts up to show to the world. Not that he could not stalk you sitting and home and clicking the refresh button for your Facebook profile every 5 minutes.

Thus Facebook needs to be eradicated from the workplace... which will lead to people checking Facebook on their phones. Which will mean more smart phones will be sold. Which means Apple, Samsung and HTC will become richer. Which also means that they could have given me money to write this blog. Which is also why I am checking my bank account every five minutes. Which is also why I have now gotten addicted to e banking. Which is also why contributions to the 'Give Taha a Porsche Fund' can be made online, Which is also why I have mentioned the words 'which' 9 times in this paragraph. (include the one in the last sentence.)

Thus Facebook helps people procrastinate and results in a blog once every two months, if it were not Facebook, I could be living the life of a blogger with more than 5 readers.

Also I will now also sometimes share videos on YouTube that I find funny. And also, no one noticed the grammatical errors in the earlier sentence. See I made you look. No coming back to the video, this is the first of hopefully many. This videos is about the new gaming hit, angry birds. Hope you enjoy it. It was taken from the Israeli comedy show 'Eretz Nehederet' ( A Wonderful Country).

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously. )

The Curse of the Contacts

I love my glasses, apart from making  me seem intelligent, it helps me get into clubs without being asked for identification. My glasses have been my closest companion, one could say opening my eyes to the world around me.

However, I recently went for a photo shoot and a very attractive girl mentioned to me that I would look better without them. Which of course led to me walking into walls. My Brother, then decided it was time to get me contact lenses.

I've always hated the idea of contact lenses, because I feel that I shouldn't be paying for money to poke myself in the eye trying to fit these godforsaken objects into my eyes. Apart from that , they don't make you look intelligent (I now just look like a ragamuffin) but I did a little research on contact lenses and to my amazement I found out that they can also help you colour your eyes. Just imagine me, an Indian with blue eyes, how good would that look?

I didn't feel I was quite up to the task of maintaining contact lenses so I sat and learned quite intently from my Brother (he always gives good advice) the intricacies of using contact lenses:

1)  Clean your lenses at night: I hardly remember to brush my teeth at night, cleaning contact lenses will be difficult to learn. I also learned that putting your contacts in soap water is not the 'correct' way to clean lenses at night, one must buy a special solution to soak them in the special retainer made for the contact lenses - a lot of corporates making 'special' profits making out here. Another no- no is cleaning your lenses with saliva, which led me to forsake my lifelong cleaning mantra, if saliva can't; than nothing can.

2) If lenses dry out, soak them for 4 hours: and suffer four hours of complete blindness, waiting for the lenses to soak? Give me 4 hours of family vacation slide-shows any day.

3) Replace your lenses monthly: I sometimes forget to turn the page on the calendar (which is actually true), how would I remember to change my contact lenses?

4) Do not go to prison and then lose your lenses: pretty simple explanation there, but I kept on wondering how my brother knew that fact.

5) Always check if the contacts are inside out before wearing: this advice kind of confused me because I would be blind without my contact lenses but yet somehow I have to look and check whether they are the right way round.

6) Do not sleep while wearing contact lenses: I want to sleep all the time, and sometimes sleep with my glasses on, this isn't going to work for me.

7) Always put the contacts according to which eye they belong to go in: Out here it is written on the container 'R' for right and 'L' for left, my point again is that how would a person be able to read without my contacts. I sometimes feel, that optometrists should start teaching you how to read Braille along with giving you a contact lens prescriptions.

8) Keep fingernails trimmed: This should not be a problem for me as I always chew my nails out of nervousness, which would always happen before trying to poke myself in the eye.

These were just a few of the 32 instructions that my brother gave me. I preferred my life with only 2 instructions for me to view in Full HD and 3D (have to mention it after all the promotions by the cable companies). Remove your glasses when you sleep (optional, if you are in a moving vehicle or some place that you cannot remove your glasses) and clean them once it starts to look like the entire area is covered in fog.

So, thus ended my brief stint with the experiment of contact lenses. I have realised that although good looking girls would want to see me without my glasses, there would be no way that I would be able to see them, and that is all that matters.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

The Bliss of Indolence

"All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness." -Mark Kennedy.

As humans we want to be lazy. Why do you think it takes me so much time to update my blog? I want to be lazy, but once in a while people get the urge to do some productive work and right now that urge has led me to write this blog, which does not mean that this blog is productive activity.

I recently was waiting along with 6 other lawyers to meet another lawyer in his chambers. While waiting I noticed something which led me to write this blog. (No, I did not notice that hell froze over with so many lawyers at one place). What I noticed was that 6 out of the 7 lawyers or going to be lawyers wore slip on formal shoes.(The ones with no laces). This led me to noticing other peoples shoes. All the rich clients that enter our office also wear those kinds of shoes. We are now so lazy that we don't even want to tie our own shoe laces. No wonder all the big corporate hotshots are called 'Fat Cats' (And by 'big' I mean 'BIG').

As a race we are getting so lazy that we are also now not willing to fight our own wars.The United States send Robotic Drones and Fighters to go and attack the enemy while the controller is sitting in some far off air conditioned room with a bag of chips on his beer belly.

But if you notice lazy people are probably the ones that work hardest. I know this sounds contradictory but if you think about it, most inventions were made so that people can be lazy. The Wheel, so that a person would not have to walk, the Wagon so that people didn't have to pull, the ship because they didn't want to travel that far,the Airplane because people didn't want to navigate ships. The Auto Pilot because people didn't want to fly the plane.So most of life's invention are to make peoples life lazier, and all of these inventions were by people who wanted to be lazy. Except for the Rubiks Cube, I have no idea why anyone came up with something like that.

Things we take for granted are made so that we can make our lives more easier. For example Velcro.I wonder what the thought process of the inventor was. "Hey, I just realised that the chips get stuck in my arm hair. And it doesn't come of. Maybe I should see if other things stick in here." Therefore after much experimenting with his arm hair (or her arm hair) velcro was invented. This was probably the same guy who was test piloting all the Air force drones.

Efiicieny is just intelligent laziness.However, there are certain negatives to laziness which I shall point out now: Kissing is one of the things a person should always find energy to do, like kissing your girlfriend or wife, blowing a kiss across the room should only be left for mothers, aunts and unidentifiable relatives. Patience: I know it sounds paradoxical, how can laziness harm patience but imagine this, laziness invented the instant mashed potato, Polaroid cameras, and microwavable dinners. We cant expect to teach the next generation patience if we ourselves have none of it.

However, I have noticed that the fatter the person, the richer he usually is, look at all of India's business tycoons. You get fat because you are lazy and thus I have realised that if I want to own a house in the city of Mumbai one must be very lazy to get it. So what I suggest is to get a hammock and a Mojito and enjoy laziness.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

I.P.L. - Indian Pecunious League

Recently every person in India had their eyes glued to a television set. Not because their Indian Cricketing Icons were playing a match, but because they were being sold. And that too for amounts of money that no ordinary citizen of India could even dream of.

The bidding was over a span of two day, with a lot of Indian players going for obscene amounts of money. It reminds me of the time Cristiano Ronaldo was sold to Real Madrid. In fact, now cricket even has a Champions League. Don't you think we are trying to copy football a little too much? Pay the players obscene amounts of money and just because they cant generate enough income out of tickets from their own league, they start a so called 'Champions League'.

Some of the people will earn a lakh (1,00,000) or more for every ball they play. That is an absurd amount of money. And it reminds me of the day when Lalit Modi, the ousted CEO of the IPL once said that MS Dhoni makes more money than Cristiano Ronaldo. When I first heard that statement , I was surprised I only fell off my chair laughing and not the Earth, but with the amount that the cricketers have been bought for in this auction, I think I may need a jet propelled backpack to bring me back to Earth.

When we see the Indian Cricketers taking off their shirts and swinging it madly over their head and screaming Chak De! on TV, it is actually the players celebrating because today is their Cheque Day. (You would normally lip read the Chak De!). Gambhir will be richer than Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney will start wearing Rohit Sharma's cast offs, Andrew Symonds along with Matthew Hayden will buy their own island so that they can go 'fishing' together, Dhoni will start his own construction agency called Chakke pe Chakka Constructions (CCC - please do not confuse this with Coffee Club of Chennai which Dhoni is also a member of) which will exclusively build 12 floored buildings, Sanath Jayasuriya will run for a post of a minister, wait a minute he already did that, I think he read my previous blog.Signboard will be held saying 'Cheque Day ...preferably in Demand Draft' instead of Chak De!

On the other hand the Pakistani Cricketers will be wondering when is their 'Cheque Day'.

However, there were ways for some cricketers to make more money than they did. For instance Robin Uthappa should have changed his name to 'Onion Uthappam'. With the price of Onions these days, he surely would have been paid the highest instead of Mr. Serious - Gautam Gambhir.

I have been thinking what these cricketers will do with all this extra money.... Here are a few ideas I came up with:

1. Robin Uthappa - Start a chain of South Indian restaurants over the world , with a speciality of Uthappams.
2. Harbhajan Singh - Start an Anger Management Course, along with an Arbitration law firm, he will be needing it now that he is teammates with Andrew Symonds.
3. S Sreesanth - Start Acting Classes for Over-exaggeration and crying on national TV
4. Yusuf Pathan - Start a Demolition Company, whose tagline should be - What I do to opponents will happen to your building 
5. Ishant Sharma - Start a diet centre, so that all girls can become as thin as him.

These are just a few ideas that cropped up into my mind. If you have any suggestions please let me know and I shall pass it along to the respective cricketers. If the Cricketers don't know what to do with their money they can always give their money to my charity called "Give Taha a Porsche Fund" - which will promptly be changed to "Give Taha All Your Money Fund" - All proceeds are not tax deductible and will be spent on making Taha's (ipso facto 'me') life more comfortable in every way possible.


(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

On Call Conversations

Recently, I got very pissed off with one of my friends because we don't keep in touch anymore. In college, when we both probably received our first cell phones, we used to sit up and talk to each other till 2 in the morning, because it was so difficult to do all that talking when we met each other at 11 in the morning till 11 at night.

However, it struck me; that day, that I should not get mad; because the older you get the less time you spend having conversations on the phone. Or else the more you progress to middle age the shorter your conversations start to get and probably pick up once again after you retire. However most of the 'men' I know who have passed retirement still do not talk on the phone that much, However, 'Women' are a completely different issue. They will talk so much that you might not have seen phone bills that high. Which is also another reason why the men talk so little because they realized that if they talk on the phone as much as women did their retirement fund would probably get over in 5 years. Another fact is that if you are called 'prehistorically old' by the new teenagers you probably might not be able to hear the other person on the line and cut the call or have a conversation on the phone for a long time not realizing that you are talking to yourself

When I first got my cell phone, I was on it all the time; mainly telling my mom that I would be back home in 15 minutes, but yes I used to use my cell phone a lot more when I was in Junior College (11th and 12th grade) than I do now. Even when I call a person its mainly for some work and not for just catching up. My normal Conversation at this moment is:

Me: Have you completed the Journal?
Friend: No. Do you know when we have to submit it?
Me: No clue, will talk to you later.
Friend: See you.

My friend and me had entire conversation in 4 lines and mainly about college work. Nowadays we don't even start with a 'Hello' or 'Hi' but get straight to the point. However, this conversation would be drastically different when I just received my new cell phone.

Me: Hello!
Friend Dude!
Me: So have you been attending lectures?
Friend: Nope, don't even know what the teachers faces look like.
Me: Me too. (Pause for laugh), so do you know when we have to submit the journals?
Friend: We have to submit a journal?
Me: Yeah, apparently. Apparently its 10 marks of you overall exam.
Friend: Why doesn't anyone tell me this.
Me: Yeah, I came to know today because this girl called me and told me about it. I don't even know what her name was. The one who is short with dark rimmed glasses and looks like she is constantly in the library.
Friend: Yeah that girl who sucks up to the teacher, yeah she is a complete (add expletive here), she didn't even tell me.
Me: Yeah man,
This Conversation goes on for around an hour... and if you forgot what the conversation was about, it was about submission of journals.

Reading the above two conversation I realized somethings. Firstly, I never attend college and probably will be rusticated for low attendance which will severely lower my attendance and that a 11 or more line conversation can be condensed into 4 lines.

I really hate getting calls nowadays because it normally means work for me, and I try as hard as possible to be lazy when I can. However, I should be accepting more calls because when I become a lawyer I get to charge for calls. On the other hand, I hope that the people on the other line are either old women who ramble on for hours or young teenage kids who also ramble on for hours thus giving me enough money early in life to retire into a life of laziness.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously.)

An Ode to Rum on a Deserted Island - Based on the stylings of Ogden Nash

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High-Ho, all about a friend, a.k.a. a chum,
The one eyed Pirate drew his sword,
"Aarr! I'll make you walk the board."
The dashing Captain in one swing;
Cut the rope to the canvassy thing.

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho, the Captain was about to finish the scum.
The Captain thought the pirate was trap-ped;
But somehow the Pirate escap-ped.
"The reason,"the Pirate said,"I have one eye;
Is because in a fight, I got injured, but I still finished the guy."

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee- Dum;
High- Ho, the Pirate was not that dumb.
The Pirate made a quick dash,
Followed by a mighty slash.
The Captain stepped aside;
Mainly to save his own hide.

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho, The Captain now had to save his bum.
A move to the right, a move to the left and block.
The ship was approaching the dock.
"Look out! We are going to crash!." Without the canvassy thing to steer,
They smashed into the pier.


Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho,both of them had to save their scrotum.
In the cold water they started free-king;
Oh, the icy waters. Which led them to thin-king,
All they had was a bottle of rum;
for the Pirate, the Captain & the friend a.k.a the chum.

Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho,Thank the heavens for the bottle of rum.
They waited there for a save,
And hark! a ship, beyond the wave.
They celebrated & rejoiced that each was now a chum,
All thanks to the bottle of rum
Fiddle Dee-Dee, Fiddle Dee-Dum;
High- Ho, Ho, Ho, and a bottle of rum.

-Taha Varawala.

Changing Names ... Is the name Brad Pitt taken?

How about Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt sounds like a nice name for a man. I wonder if anyone else in the world is named Brad Pitt.Does anyone know if thename Brad Pitt is taken?

This sudden curiosity with changing my name came to me when I heard that the Government of India decided to change the name of a state from Orissa to Odisha. This followed the earlier decision to change the name of Bangalore to Bengaluru. Indian Cities have gone on a name changing spree after Independence.

Bombay is now Mumbai, Poona is now Pune, Madras is now Chennai, Pondicherry is now Puducherry, Calcutta is now Kolkatta and Trivandrum changed to a name that I can hardly spell let alone pronounce.

My main ire is with changing the major cities of India, meaning the big four, although I would like to include Hyderabad in there too, Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkatta and Bengaluru.

Did you know that Bengaluru means Vegetable City? It's basically a ploy by the Government to start changing the diets of the people to vegetarianism from being carnivorous beasts. After a few months with the amounts of rabbits running around and eating their crop will they realise that turning Vegetarian was not such a good idea. But more on the Non-Vegetarian - Vegetarian debate on another blog. This blog is meant for changing names. So coming back to Bangalore being a 'Vegetable city'. 'Bengaluru' or 'Bengalooroo' is derived from the Latin languange (Baingan meaning 'Vegetable' and Luru meaning 'City').

The entire world would change, meaning that they would have to change all the maps to the new names. Therefore, if India keeps changing cities names like the way African Countries change theirs, all the poor Atlas manufacturing companies would go bankrupt because as soon as they print one, they would have to print another. Or maybe they are lobbying within Governments to keep on changing names so that the people need to buy the updated version thus resulting in them buying 10 atlases a year. I have heard that they appointed Nira Radia as their lobbyist. (Just Joking)

Apart from the World, the English Language would also change. A person would have to say I have been 'Bengalurued' instead of I have been 'Bangalored'. Apart from the fact that it will be a big change for the people in India too.

Person 1: Where do you live now?
Person 2: In Bengaluru.
Person 1: Benga wa-wa?
Person 2: No, Bengaluru.
Person 1: Oh, you mean the Vegetable City.
Person 2: Yes, the Vegetable City *lets out a sigh of dissapointment*

This would be a conversation between two people: one from Bengaluru and one who is definitely not from Bengaluru.

I am totally against this blatant changing of names. I have also found a way that we the 'constant' people of India can make the government stop its 'changing' ways. I have heard that if a pertition with three signatures goes to the Lower House of Parliament i.e. Lok Sabha, they will consider changing the name . (Just like they madea big issue about Sourav Ganguly being dropped from the Indian Cricket team).

Therefore I have started a petition in Bombay. Everyone knows how to contact me. Also dontations are also mandatory to be given to "Give Taha a Porsche fund" (sorry not tax deductable). Come to think of it Bangaluru would be a cool name for a Rock band.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)