The Curse of the Contacts

I love my glasses, apart from making  me seem intelligent, it helps me get into clubs without being asked for identification. My glasses have been my closest companion, one could say opening my eyes to the world around me.

However, I recently went for a photo shoot and a very attractive girl mentioned to me that I would look better without them. Which of course led to me walking into walls. My Brother, then decided it was time to get me contact lenses.

I've always hated the idea of contact lenses, because I feel that I shouldn't be paying for money to poke myself in the eye trying to fit these godforsaken objects into my eyes. Apart from that , they don't make you look intelligent (I now just look like a ragamuffin) but I did a little research on contact lenses and to my amazement I found out that they can also help you colour your eyes. Just imagine me, an Indian with blue eyes, how good would that look?

I didn't feel I was quite up to the task of maintaining contact lenses so I sat and learned quite intently from my Brother (he always gives good advice) the intricacies of using contact lenses:

1)  Clean your lenses at night: I hardly remember to brush my teeth at night, cleaning contact lenses will be difficult to learn. I also learned that putting your contacts in soap water is not the 'correct' way to clean lenses at night, one must buy a special solution to soak them in the special retainer made for the contact lenses - a lot of corporates making 'special' profits making out here. Another no- no is cleaning your lenses with saliva, which led me to forsake my lifelong cleaning mantra, if saliva can't; than nothing can.

2) If lenses dry out, soak them for 4 hours: and suffer four hours of complete blindness, waiting for the lenses to soak? Give me 4 hours of family vacation slide-shows any day.

3) Replace your lenses monthly: I sometimes forget to turn the page on the calendar (which is actually true), how would I remember to change my contact lenses?

4) Do not go to prison and then lose your lenses: pretty simple explanation there, but I kept on wondering how my brother knew that fact.

5) Always check if the contacts are inside out before wearing: this advice kind of confused me because I would be blind without my contact lenses but yet somehow I have to look and check whether they are the right way round.

6) Do not sleep while wearing contact lenses: I want to sleep all the time, and sometimes sleep with my glasses on, this isn't going to work for me.

7) Always put the contacts according to which eye they belong to go in: Out here it is written on the container 'R' for right and 'L' for left, my point again is that how would a person be able to read without my contacts. I sometimes feel, that optometrists should start teaching you how to read Braille along with giving you a contact lens prescriptions.

8) Keep fingernails trimmed: This should not be a problem for me as I always chew my nails out of nervousness, which would always happen before trying to poke myself in the eye.

These were just a few of the 32 instructions that my brother gave me. I preferred my life with only 2 instructions for me to view in Full HD and 3D (have to mention it after all the promotions by the cable companies). Remove your glasses when you sleep (optional, if you are in a moving vehicle or some place that you cannot remove your glasses) and clean them once it starts to look like the entire area is covered in fog.

So, thus ended my brief stint with the experiment of contact lenses. I have realised that although good looking girls would want to see me without my glasses, there would be no way that I would be able to see them, and that is all that matters.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)

The Bliss of Indolence

"All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness." -Mark Kennedy.

As humans we want to be lazy. Why do you think it takes me so much time to update my blog? I want to be lazy, but once in a while people get the urge to do some productive work and right now that urge has led me to write this blog, which does not mean that this blog is productive activity.

I recently was waiting along with 6 other lawyers to meet another lawyer in his chambers. While waiting I noticed something which led me to write this blog. (No, I did not notice that hell froze over with so many lawyers at one place). What I noticed was that 6 out of the 7 lawyers or going to be lawyers wore slip on formal shoes.(The ones with no laces). This led me to noticing other peoples shoes. All the rich clients that enter our office also wear those kinds of shoes. We are now so lazy that we don't even want to tie our own shoe laces. No wonder all the big corporate hotshots are called 'Fat Cats' (And by 'big' I mean 'BIG').

As a race we are getting so lazy that we are also now not willing to fight our own wars.The United States send Robotic Drones and Fighters to go and attack the enemy while the controller is sitting in some far off air conditioned room with a bag of chips on his beer belly.

But if you notice lazy people are probably the ones that work hardest. I know this sounds contradictory but if you think about it, most inventions were made so that people can be lazy. The Wheel, so that a person would not have to walk, the Wagon so that people didn't have to pull, the ship because they didn't want to travel that far,the Airplane because people didn't want to navigate ships. The Auto Pilot because people didn't want to fly the plane.So most of life's invention are to make peoples life lazier, and all of these inventions were by people who wanted to be lazy. Except for the Rubiks Cube, I have no idea why anyone came up with something like that.

Things we take for granted are made so that we can make our lives more easier. For example Velcro.I wonder what the thought process of the inventor was. "Hey, I just realised that the chips get stuck in my arm hair. And it doesn't come of. Maybe I should see if other things stick in here." Therefore after much experimenting with his arm hair (or her arm hair) velcro was invented. This was probably the same guy who was test piloting all the Air force drones.

Efiicieny is just intelligent laziness.However, there are certain negatives to laziness which I shall point out now: Kissing is one of the things a person should always find energy to do, like kissing your girlfriend or wife, blowing a kiss across the room should only be left for mothers, aunts and unidentifiable relatives. Patience: I know it sounds paradoxical, how can laziness harm patience but imagine this, laziness invented the instant mashed potato, Polaroid cameras, and microwavable dinners. We cant expect to teach the next generation patience if we ourselves have none of it.

However, I have noticed that the fatter the person, the richer he usually is, look at all of India's business tycoons. You get fat because you are lazy and thus I have realised that if I want to own a house in the city of Mumbai one must be very lazy to get it. So what I suggest is to get a hammock and a Mojito and enjoy laziness.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)