Canaries through Grinders

Most people don't know this but I play the bass guitar for a fictional band called the Radio Active Ninja Monkeys (RANM's). We even have a group on facebook (which is 15 members large) with our first album cover and songs list on. Well recently we had a not so acrimonious split with our lead singer, which is to say she hasnt called any band member in a month. (This means you Zainab). Also we are still looking for a rhythm guitarists having to use one of our well trained monkeys to play the guitar for the CD. So because we cant have lyrics on our songs, I have found a new avenue in which the RANM's could make our name. It is an area of music no band has ever gone into before and I highly doubt they will, giving us ample space to clog the market. What is this avenue? Elevator Music.

Ever noticed how you have these really irritating songs that make you want to get out of the elevator. These songs are really horrendous and they should increase taxes on companies that subject their employees to the god awful sound that seems like a canary got stuck in a grinder. (na na na na na dum dum *sploosh *sploosh). I believe that people who say that they have claustrophobia and would rather take the stairs are the intelligent ones who know that even those five seconds of torture would make James Bond divulge the Queens biggest secrets. Come to think of it this music should be played in all interrogation rooms, it will be a lot easier to nab burglars murderers and corrupt politicians, sometime even the policeman who has not yet questioned the suspect.

The reason I say elevator music is because it doesnt require any lyrics of any kind and that can be the way we pay for our next Album. (Assassination Guaranteed) [Please join us to create our new albums as fictitious studio costs are very expensive. So if you want to hear more of our band please send money to "Give Taha a Porsche Fund" which is not Tax deductible. However money that is sent may or may not be used to buy alcohol.] Anyway back to elevator music, all we have to do is play a few chords that dont sound as bad as nails grating against a blackboard and we should be in business. We are having the next meeting of the band to look over applications for lead singers as well as Rhythm Guitarists in December, so you have time to send in your applications for this fictitous band. Until then all I will sit and do is strum my guitar and get rich for it.

A little about RadioActive Ninja Monkeys.

First Album - Attack (2007) (Please note that the songs made up on the CD were thought up before the horrible attacks on Mumbai, if you go visit our site.)

Lead Guitarist - Rushabh Shah

Drums - Neti Shah

Bass - Taha Varawala

Keyboard - Amreen Rupawala

Rhythm Guitar- Trained Monkey

Triangle - Pranav Dhawan

Band Manager - Qadir Varawala

* Notice we are the only Rock Band to have a person play the Triangle - ting.

So until we get the money needed to create our new album, you can hear us in your nearest elevator in the next few months. Look out for some soulful jazz guitar and instrumental music, that will not be us.We will be the ones with the Alternative Rock and sometimes metal elevator music. Thinking about it Elevator Music is needed by every company and apartment to stop people from getting bored and doing crazy things in the elevators (like pushing all the buttons.... ooh how evil! ) It tends to get a person to concentrate on the music all the time cursing the person who created it. However our music is way different and would get a different reaction in a person, to go buy a beer and drink it, and if my true message is sent across, they will go buy a beer and send it to the band.

So please go to your bosses and ask them to use our elevator Music, out of which a new CD will be released, you or a band member will get a beer, The Band will get rich and Vijay Mallya will get even richer (why do you think he sponsored our first album. P.S. MOST BAND MEMBERS DRINK ONLY KINGFISHER {thousand bucks in my pocket right there}). Please tell them to change the music so that it doesn't sound like canaries through a grinder.Come to think of it Canaries through Grinders is not a bad name for a band.

(All Comments are meant to be jokes and should not be taken seriously)